KFC Double Down: A Very Special Food Review.

[VanHalener]

The greatest advancement to sandwich technology ever.

Discuss.

I only have one word for you...

HELL YEAH!!!!!

[FORD]

37 things worse than a KFC meatwich

By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

Friday, April 16, 2010

And lo, the reaction was swift and true, an incredible flood of comment and reply, recoil and horrified laughter, in response to last week's column -- and the Huffington Post's wondrous reprint -- on the gut-clenching KFC meat phenomenon/abomination known as the Double Down.

But amongst the amazement and wonder, a few oxygen-deprived souls dared to write in to say, "Aww c'mon, it's not all that bad? There are far worse things out there, for sure." And then they proceeded to try and prove how the DD's noxious calorie and fat numbers aren't even as toxic as some other vile fast foodstuffs, completely ignoring the larger picture I was delineating -- all the pollution, animal abuse, industrial farming, chemicals, synthetics, antibiotics, hormones and just plain insidiousness of a company concocting something this greasy and disgusting in the modern age.

But it got me thinking, aside from the food porn on thisiswhyyourefat.com, well, just what are those things that are worse for you than KFC's fistful of karmic hate? What else can you shove into your body, your brain, your very anima itself, if you really despise yourself, stopped caring long ago and just want to curl up and die in a corner somewhere? Shall we list a few? Let's.

1) Tea Party Rally. Recently did I stumble, like stepping on a rusty nail, across a surreal clip of Sarah "Queen of Duh" Palin rallying the "troops" at a Tea Party Express stop somewhere in Gunlick, Kentuckansasiana, and I found my mind suddenly blasted clean by the giant pile of dumb I was witnessing, unable to pinpoint exactly what it was that this circus sideshow reminded me of.

Then I had it. Remember that bizarre, 30-second acid trip of a scene in "The Wizard of Oz," the moment just before a very stoned Dorothy skips away to hook up with her crazy gay pals and traipse through a giant Pink Floyd album, the moment when those three adult dwarves stumble out of the Munchkinland horde wearing little kid outfits, and sing their little surly song, replete with surly, out-of-sync-leg spasms? Yes, the Palin-led Tea Party rally reminded me of the Lollipop Guild, serenading Dorothy. Perfect.

2) Floating garbage. Not to be outdone by the wily Pacific, the Atlantic Ocean is now reporting the existence of its very own giant, rancid, thousand-mile-wide swath of plastic collected over a period of years in a huge, swirling vortex and choking off sea life as far as the eye can weep. The Atlantic Plastic Explosion™ (as it would like to be known) is drifting somewhere between Bermuda and Portugal's mid-Atlantic Azores. Yay world!

Representatives for the Pacific Garbage Patch responded almost immediately, announcing plans hatched in the Netherlands to gather all its drifting plastic together and turn it into a colorful, Hawaii-sized floating island, suitable for living and frolicking and decrying the hellbound descent of man.

Aching for attention, the Indian Ocean is, meanwhile, planning to set itself on fire.

3) Military spending. Did you know 53 cents of every tax dollar you just sent to the IRS now goes to maintaining the U.S. military? Indeed, much to the confusion of gun nuts and warmongers alike, military spending is simply off the charts, even under Obama. We outspend all our allies and enemies combined, by a huge margin, far more than China, Russia, India and your grumpy right-wing grandfather hoarding bullets in the garage.

We have the largest, most bloated war machine in the world. We sell more guns, tanks, jets and warheads to more dictators, regimes and drug cartels than anyone on the planet. Are your local schools crumbling? Public hospitals failing? Entire state dumber than Glenn Beck's fact checker? Blame the military, at least in part, for sucking down about $1.6 trillion every year.

4) Miley Cyrus. Indeed, the sweet little billionaire's romantic movie came and went so fast you probably didn't even learn its name; it passed through the cultural slipstream like some sort of irritable bowel movement, the reviews of the poor tween's atrocious acting skills veering between a semi-gracious "maybe someday she'll be tolerable" and "Oh my God, someone stab out my eyes with a flaming pitchfork right now." Did you spend 10 bucks on this movie? How is it you're still upright? Shouldn't you be getting to a doctor? An asylum?

5) The Catholic Church. Sure sure, the Double Down will enrage your colon, toxify your blood, disfigure your heart, greasify your skin, shrivel your genitalia, and dumb you down to the level of slug shoelace. But that's nothing compared to 2,000 years of abuse, lies, oppression, lack of sunshine and dead, leathery skin that accompanies handing over your soul to the sinister clan of old men who run the Vatican. As for the pope, well, it would appear the "holiest" man in the Christian empire cares more about PR than child rape. You know, just like Jesus wanted.

6) "Jersey Shore," cast of. Word has it there's a new spinoff show in the works to augment this oily smear of cultural insect repellent, called "Wicked Summer" (or "Wikkid Summah" for those in the dialect) documenting -- can you guess? -- the awful hair, insane sports obsessions and big dumb babes of blue collar lugnuts from Boston.

The show's tagline, "Five minutes with these walking billboards for 'No Child Left Behind' makes you feel like a genius for being able to work a goddamn can opener" is still, apparently, being honed. Can't wait.

7) Republicanism. Some scholars believe there used to be a modicum of nobility and respect attached to this political party, long ago. History seems to indicate the GOP was, at one point, the home of a few reasonable and decent men, fighting for just and balanced causes.

Of course, the party of Lincoln has devolved into a shrill, shrieking puddle of Glenn Beck's crocodile tears, Rush Limbaugh racists and surly white men who hate the fact that you might have decent access to health care, can marry someone you love, and don't hate everything and everyone not inbred near a Texas football stadium. Want to ensure your kids grow up scared, angry, well armed, heavily medicated and confused about everything? Raise them Republican. Oh, and spank the hell out of them.

8-37) And finally, seeking additional input for this list, I posted a humble query to the 12,000+ followers on my Facebook fan page, asking for suggestions. And so, without further ado, I present to you an abbreviated list of those non-food items deemed far worse for you than a KFC Double Down, according to, well, you.

In no particular order, they are:

Marriage, Las Vegas, lobotomies, rat poison, spray-on tans, radioactive isotopes, Kansas, the Oklahoma militia, Meg Whitman, Ann Coulter, Nancy Grace, Fox News, Mormons, the Louisiana school system, the Texas State Board of Education, nuclear waste (barely), strychnine (ditto), Christian universities, unprotected bestiality, dating writers (wait, what?), foot binding, a dioxin enema, home-schooled fundamentalists (note: possibly a food item), auto-erotic asphyxiation, resentment, war, a closed mind, uterine fibroids, the Bible and, of course, sleeping in a cage with seven hungry weasels. Just FYI.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2010/04/16/notes041610.DTL

[Blackflag]

This looks good, but In N' Out Protein-Style Burgers are the shiznit, btw.

(For the uninitiated, that means lettuce-wrapped)

I asked them for a 3x5, animal style once. Once.

[MAX]

I Love KFC.

Me too but can seriously only have it like three times a year tops!!! I remember getting the extra crispy last summer and it was off the map it was so fucking good. However and unfortunately, my body just doesn't do too well with all of that grease and salt. No joke, I fucking pay for it if/when I eat it. I think it's cos not only do I get the chicken but the imitation "mashed" potatoes with that epic fucking gravy, corn coblettes, biscuits and tons of the fake butter shit and not to forget that killer cole slaw!!! I want some soooon. Tooo bad it's not summer cos when getting that shit it's usually with a group of people cos the place is also expensive that is if I remember correctly?

[MAX]

Fuck, now I'm really having a craving for that crap. Thanks a lot!!!

I swear, that place is pure evil with the smell and the grease. I'll bet it has crack or heroin in it to make people chicken junkies. I want a fucking piece of original or that extra crispy like right fucking now. Instead, I'm stuck with a lousy ass and fucking healthy tunafish sammich!!! FUCK!!!

[PETE'S BROTHER]

i don't think they have xtra crispy around here any more.

[Blackflag]

I keep telling people that KFC has genetically engineered a chicken with 4 breasts, and they keep falling for it.

[chefcraig]

Fuck, now I'm really having a craving for that crap. Thanks a lot!!!

I swear, that place is pure evil with the smell and the grease. I'll bet it has crack or heroin in it to make people chicken junkies. I want a fucking piece of original or that extra crispy like right fucking now. Instead, I'm stuck with a lousy ass and fucking healthy tunafish sammich!!! FUCK!!!

Brother, there is a way around that fat, and that is to make it yourself. There are several recipes on the net that are damned close, and the secret is the same one I told you about for onion rings: after you've done the egg wash, flour, batter, egg wash, flour routine, place the stuff in a casserole dish, cover with Saran Wrap and refrigerate it for at least 3 hours. In this way, when you dump the pieces in the fryer or pan, the batter doesn't go flying off.

As for the oil itself, you can use all sorts that will prevent your insides from taking a plunge. Peanut oil comes to mind, or any of the varieties out there that have less fat in them.

[chefcraig]

Edit: Double post

[LoungeMachine]

i don't think they have xtra crispy around here any more.

I recall from friends back in high school who used to work there that:

Extra Crispy and BBQ was just yesterday's Original Recipe thatdidnt sell, re-cooked or flavored.

and

That the gravy was made from the gunk that collected at the bottom of the fryers.

I also recall a hilarious conspiracy theory when they changed their name to KFC, that it was a legal move due to the fact that they were no longer actuall using CHICKENS but rather some mystery animal's flesh.



Regardless, I wouldnt eat at a KFC if with a gun to my head......

gack.

[chefcraig]

Regardless, I wouldn't eat at a KFC with a gun to my head...

With the almost daily robberies of fast food joints in my neck of the woods, what you describe is more or less a serving option.

[twonabomber]

I recall from friends back in high school who used to work there that:

Extra Crispy and BBQ was just yesterday's Original Recipe thatdidnt sell, re-cooked or flavored.

and

That the gravy was made from the gunk that collected at the bottom of the fryers.

i worked at a local fried chicken take-out joint when i was still in school. can't say for sure what KFC did, but i had heard that extra crispy was breaded twice and then fried. we tried it with our dip and breading and it was pretty close. any chicken we had left over at the end of the night would go into the freezer and we'd sell it like that in bulk. a couple rest homes would hit us for 100 pieces at a time.

you're right about the gravy though. we cleaned the fryer oil every day, and what was left at the bottom went into a bin in the walk-in cooler. i think we called it cracklings. you'd break off some of the cracklings, enough to fill a small colander, and put it into boiling water along with a bag of gravy mix. if the fryer oil had been burnt we wouldn't save any of it.

[Little Texan]

Fuck, now I'm really having a craving for that crap. Thanks a lot!!!

I swear, that place is pure evil with the smell and the grease. I'll bet it has crack or heroin in it to make people chicken junkies. I want a fucking piece of original or that extra crispy like right fucking now. Instead, I'm stuck with a lousy ass and fucking healthy tunafish sammich!!! FUCK!!!

Hey Max, I've got a few copycat recipes for the KFC 11 herbs and spices if you wanted to try and make some imitation KFC at home. You're a cook so you could probably pull it off. One of them I tried one time tasted pretty damn close to the real deal. The only thing was I didn't have a pressure cooker to cook the chicken like KFC. I tried frying it in grease and it burned the paprika in the spice mix. I could post that recipe and others in your cooking thread if you'd like.

[MAX]

Brother, there is a way around that fat, and that is to make it yourself. There are several recipes on the net that are damned close, and the secret is the same one I told you about for onion rings: after you've done the egg wash, flour, batter, egg wash, flour routine, place the stuff in a casserole dish, cover with Saran Wrap and refrigerate it for at least 3 hours. In this way, when you dump the pieces in the fryer or pan, the batter doesn't go flying off.

As for the oil itself, you can use all sorts that will prevent your insides from taking a plunge. Peanut oil comes to mind, or any of the varieties out there that have less fat in them.

Thanks Craigeee.

Yeah, I can also make a mean homemade fried chicken. However, it's a pain in the ass, messy and takes too long. Besides, I don't eat it enough to go through the trouble. I tried that Popeye's last time I was in Atlanta and it was alright. I want to try that place in New Orleans that won Bon Appétit'es best fried chicken in America. It's called Willie Mays Scotch House and the batter's wet.



Regardless, I like that Kentucky Fried shit. I could also care less what grease droppings make up that gravy as well cos I'm not planning to eat that garbage for any health reasons. lol

[Little Texan]

I saw that chef already mentioned making it at home. Sorry about that, dude!