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Posted on Tue, Oct. 24, 2006
TONY HICKS: AND ANOTHER THING
It's hard out here for a Republican
IT'S NOT EXACTLY the best year to be a Republican.
Well, it's still better than being a Democrat. You know, more income, bigger cars ... less guilt over running down spotted owls. That's gotta be nice.
But comparatively speaking, the upcoming election may be a tough one for conservatives.
Of course, I wouldn't know. As a newspaper employee, I'm a card-carrying member of the ACLU-loving liberal media. I don't know what that means, by the way. But it is nice to feel like you belong.
But this year, us socialist/red/tree-hugging/Commie/puppy-loving liberals may be safer than normal come election time, which many analysts say may swing Congress back to the control of Democrats for the first time in a dozen years.
Americans are chafing at that unpopular war, a slowly recovering economy, Osama still out there making bad YouTube videos, sex scandals and Third-World countries discovering the fun in atom-smashing.
So, being a fair-minded man, who nevertheless believes Bill Clinton is the most entertaining human since Dean Martin, I'd like to help my friends from the other side. I have some modest suggestions as to how to win the hearts and minds of the American people with just weeks until the all-important midterm elections.
• Suggestion No. 1: Nuke Canada. Logistically, you could call seal hunters terrorists. Say the Democrats obviously lack the backbone to blow Canada off the map for oppressing the freedom for cute, democracy-loving marine mammals.
• No. 2: The president needs to fall off the wagon. Alcoholism is no laughing matter, but a weepy apology to America can go a long way. We're a country that loves honesty and redemption. We love fallen heroes. Throw in some cheating as well. It didn't seem to hurt Clinton.
• No. 3: Pass Republican-sponsored legislation making it illegal for Van Halen not to include David Lee Roth. Then blame Ted Kennedy for them getting that lame singer from Extreme.
• No. 4: Get Laura Bush on the cooking show with that yummy Rachael Ray. Yes, Rachael Ray is extremely annoying. But her hotness is undeniable. She yearns to bear my children.
Sorry about that.
• No. 5: Free Hot Wings. Who doesn't love hot wings? Set up stands outside the polling places, with hot wings cut up like little elephants. And macaroni salad. Everybody knows voters love macaroni salad.
• No. 6: Get Dick Cheney on "Grey's Anatomy." Look what it did for Patrick Duffy's career. Or Patrick Dempsey ... whatever. The point is that one guest shot could deliver the female swing vote.
• No. 7: Call a press conference to announce the party officially endorses the Syd Barrett-era of Pink Floyd.
• No. 8: Outfit the armed forces with laser guns that look like the one Han Solo had in "Star Wars." If you can design some flying ships that shoot lasers too, all the better. That should take care of recruiting goals. No one will be able to resist signing up if they get to run around shooting bad guys with lasers.
• No. 9: See if Don Rumsfeld can manage one dunk at an NBA half-time. Just one.
• No. 10: Raise minimum wage to $725 an hour, then roll it back in January. Just remember this is politics, and it's not how you play the game, but whether you win and get that sweet Congressional pension for the rest of your life.
TONY HICKS: AND ANOTHER THING
It's hard out here for a Republican
IT'S NOT EXACTLY the best year to be a Republican.
Well, it's still better than being a Democrat. You know, more income, bigger cars ... less guilt over running down spotted owls. That's gotta be nice.
But comparatively speaking, the upcoming election may be a tough one for conservatives.
Of course, I wouldn't know. As a newspaper employee, I'm a card-carrying member of the ACLU-loving liberal media. I don't know what that means, by the way. But it is nice to feel like you belong.
But this year, us socialist/red/tree-hugging/Commie/puppy-loving liberals may be safer than normal come election time, which many analysts say may swing Congress back to the control of Democrats for the first time in a dozen years.
Americans are chafing at that unpopular war, a slowly recovering economy, Osama still out there making bad YouTube videos, sex scandals and Third-World countries discovering the fun in atom-smashing.
So, being a fair-minded man, who nevertheless believes Bill Clinton is the most entertaining human since Dean Martin, I'd like to help my friends from the other side. I have some modest suggestions as to how to win the hearts and minds of the American people with just weeks until the all-important midterm elections.
• Suggestion No. 1: Nuke Canada. Logistically, you could call seal hunters terrorists. Say the Democrats obviously lack the backbone to blow Canada off the map for oppressing the freedom for cute, democracy-loving marine mammals.
• No. 2: The president needs to fall off the wagon. Alcoholism is no laughing matter, but a weepy apology to America can go a long way. We're a country that loves honesty and redemption. We love fallen heroes. Throw in some cheating as well. It didn't seem to hurt Clinton.
• No. 3: Pass Republican-sponsored legislation making it illegal for Van Halen not to include David Lee Roth. Then blame Ted Kennedy for them getting that lame singer from Extreme.
• No. 4: Get Laura Bush on the cooking show with that yummy Rachael Ray. Yes, Rachael Ray is extremely annoying. But her hotness is undeniable. She yearns to bear my children.
Sorry about that.
• No. 5: Free Hot Wings. Who doesn't love hot wings? Set up stands outside the polling places, with hot wings cut up like little elephants. And macaroni salad. Everybody knows voters love macaroni salad.
• No. 6: Get Dick Cheney on "Grey's Anatomy." Look what it did for Patrick Duffy's career. Or Patrick Dempsey ... whatever. The point is that one guest shot could deliver the female swing vote.
• No. 7: Call a press conference to announce the party officially endorses the Syd Barrett-era of Pink Floyd.
• No. 8: Outfit the armed forces with laser guns that look like the one Han Solo had in "Star Wars." If you can design some flying ships that shoot lasers too, all the better. That should take care of recruiting goals. No one will be able to resist signing up if they get to run around shooting bad guys with lasers.
• No. 9: See if Don Rumsfeld can manage one dunk at an NBA half-time. Just one.
• No. 10: Raise minimum wage to $725 an hour, then roll it back in January. Just remember this is politics, and it's not how you play the game, but whether you win and get that sweet Congressional pension for the rest of your life.
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