Ferguson is what happens when white suburban cops get weapons of war

[DONNIEP]

Yeah, the low testosterone thing is complete shit! The ALCOHOL in the beer can lower one's hormone levels but not the hops...

Conspiracy!! It's a known FACT that beer makes you horny. Or maybe it just makes ugly people seem less ugly. Regardless, it has magical properties that man was not meant to understand!

[Nickdfresh]

If beer made you gay, I'd be the Queen of San Francisco by now.

Maybe it was all the beer that was the cause of Elvis' bloody assholes during his nurse days?

[VetteLS5]

If beer made you gay, I'd be the Queen of San Francisco by now.

Just because it's not an officially recognized position in the monarchy/government doesn't mean you can't hold the title. Go girl!

[binnie]

Conspiracy!! It's a known FACT that beer makes you horny. Or maybe it just makes ugly people seem less ugly. Regardless, it has magical properties that man was not meant to understand!

It makes ugly people less ugly, boring people less boring, and temporarily alleviates guilt. In short: alcohol is magic.

[Kristy]

Weed does none of those things.

[binnie]

Weed does none of those things.

Indeed. Weed just makes the world a better place.

[DONNIEP]

Weed does none of those things.

That's why you knock back a couple 40s, bang one out, and then roll up a fattie and crank up the Billy Joel.

[binnie]

Billy Joel?

He's definitely a honkie.

[DONNIEP]

Billy Joel?

He's definitely a honkie.

I know. But Kristy likes him and, well, I try to keep her happy. There's two things we have to have in the house when she picks up a new bag: snacks and Billy Joel. Otherwise she gets all passive aggressive and uses her Jedi Chick Mind Trick on me.

[binnie]

Does this mean we have to start calling her Kristy Brinkley?

[DONNIEP]

Does this mean we have to start calling her Kristy Brinkley?

That would probably be a bad idea

[binnie]

Oh, so you mean she plays Billy and you have to play Brinkley?

[FORD]

Billy Joel?

He's definitely a honkie.

Yep, these are some honkified lyrics. Complete with references to weed, alcohol, masturbation and fuck knows what else.......

Saturday night and you're still hangin' around
You're tired of livin' in your one horse town
You'd like to find a little hole in the ground for a while

So you go to the village in your tie-dye jeans
And you stare at the junkies and the closet queens
It's like some pornographic magazine, and you smile

But Captain Jack will get you high tonight
And take you to your special island
Captain Jack will get you by tonight
Just a little push 'n' you'll be smilin'
Oh yeah, yeah

Your sister's gone out, she's on a date
And you just sit at home and masturbate
Your phone is gonna ring soon,
But you just can't wait, for that call

So you stand on the corner in your new English clothes
And you look so polished from your hair down to your toes
But still your fingers gonna pick your nose, after all

But Captain Jack will get you high tonight
And take you to your special island
Captain Jack will get you by tonight
Just a little push 'n' you'll be smilin'
Oh yeah, yeah

So you decide to take a holiday
You got your tape deck and your brand new Chevrolet
Ah, but there's no place to go anyway and what for
You've got everything, but nothin's cool
They just found your father in the swimming pool
And you guess you won't be going back to school anymore

But Captain Jack will get you high tonight
And take you to your special island
Captain Jack will get you by tonight
Just a little push 'n' you'll be smilin'
La da, da
Oh yeah, yeah

So you play your albums and you smoke your pot
And you meet your girlfriend in the parking lot
Oh, but still you're aching for the things you haven't got,
What went wrong

And if you can't understand why your world is so dead
And why you've got to keep in style and feed your head
Well, you're twenty one and still you mother makes your bed
And that's too long

But Captain Jack will get you high tonight
And take you to your special island
Captain Jack will get you by tonight
Just a little push 'n' you'll be smilin'
Yeah, Captain Jack will get you by tonight
Yeah, Captain Jack will get you by tonight

[binnie]

He wasn't a convincing badass, was he?

[DONNIEP]

Oh, so you mean she plays Billy and you have to play Brinkley?

It depends on her mood. But heels do wonders for my calves so I don't complain.