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Dan Rather Is Really a Woman Who Spied for the Cubans!
Newly discovered documents revealed that Dan Rather was really born a woman! The shocking discovery came after documents were discovered, signed by a doctor (now dead) and recovered from a hospital (before all its remaining records were destroyed by fire.)
Rather is also a cocaine addict, according to other newly discovered medical documents, and likes to ride his motorcyle while dressed as Conan the Barbarian, say unnamed friends.
At one time, other newly discovered documents reveal, Rather was a paid agent of the Cuban government who passed nuclear secrets directly to Fidel Castro, with whom he was having an affair, according to memos written by his personal secretary, now deceased.
I also have documents in my possession that claim Dan Rather was having a love affair with Saddam Hussein, before that dictator was deposed.
I cannot reveal the source of these documents without compromising my integrity. Besides, the preponderence of evidence supports my documentary evidence, so it doesn't matter if they are fakes or not.
Sometimes, Dan's voice will squeak, and during times of great emotion, he tears up like a girl. And sometimes, when he comes on the air, his voice has a nasal twang, like it was all stuffed with coke.
Dan is from Texas, so it fits the profile that he would have a motorcycle. And, as a card-carrying member of the elite New York media, ditto for the Conan the Barbarian suit.
Plus, Dan Rather has been photographed with both Fidel and Saddam. And, it explains why Dan Rather opposes both the Cuban embargo and the Iraq war.
The evidence continues to mount. . .
There will be some who might challenge the authenticity of my documentation, but those are not truth seekers, but members of Dan Rather's fan club, who are seeking to destroy my credibility.
Anyone who considers the preponderance of evidence will be able to tell that my documents, though they may be forgeries, are completely consistent with the overall story.
Besides, even if they are forgeries done on my word processor, they are faithful representations of documents I saw decades ago, once. And anyway, what difference does it make?
If this story isn't true, then Dan Rather should release his medical records, his private diaries, and all his personal travel records and PROVE he isn't really a coke-crazed woman who is a sucker for a tyrant in a uniform and has a nose like a vacuum cleaner.
Why won't he do it? The answer is obvious. He must have something to hide.
Note to liberals: This column is a parody!
Link: here
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