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How to Sneak Backstage at a Van Halen Concert
By Daves PA Rental- Originally posted on the now defunct MightyVanHalen.com.
Back in 1995 I was visiting my cousin in Florida during spring break. Van Halen was playing the Miami Arena while I was there, so we got tickets and went with some other friends. Everything that I am about to tell you is absolutely true. I hope the security at the Miami Arena is better now than it was that day. So, without further adue, I give you the following: How to sneak backstage at a Van Halen show without really trying.
Step One: Arrange it so that you are somewhere between pleasantly buzzed and totally ripped-drunk.
The posse that I was with that day spent a few pre-concert hours walking around the Miami waterfront, stoping into various establishments for liquid refreshment…Hard Rock Café for a few beers…Fat Tuesday’s for a few $5 Hurricanes…you get the picture. (Sidebar: we stopped for a brief rest and sat down on the sea-wall. We’re there for a few minutes and this manate surfaces and dives like a humpback whale, like, THREE FEET IN FRONT OF ME. I’m told that a manate sighting like that is very rare. Anyway, it was a good omen for the night ahead.)
Step Two: Get to the lowest part of the arena.
We get to our seats in the arena. At this point, I had no idea what I was about to do. If you have ever been to the Miami Arena, you will know that to get to the seats in the lower sections, you have to walk down a long flight of stairs. There is only one concourse (concession/bathroom) area, and its on the second floor. Hmmmm...
I asked myself, “I wonder what’s down on the first floor?”
I sneak away from my drunk buddies who were in their seats and just kind of staring off into space. It was that “45 minutes until the show starts, ive been drunk all day and the house lights are still up” stare. Anyway, I go out into the concourse and enter "Stealth Mode". The place is packed with people buying T-shirts and getting food. I look around for a staircase or something to get me down a level. What’s this? An elevator door tucked away where no one notices? Yes! Here’s my chance. Duh-oh! There is a security POST right in front of it! A guy in a security jacket, standing at a PODIUM with walkie-talkies and everything. Its like mission control. At this point I would have just ended my quest. But fortunately, I had followed Step One…I was drunk and stupid. I felt challenged.
I walked about ten yards back down the hall and collected myself. I studied the situation. Lots of people were walking right past the security guard and onto the elevator…roadie-looking people, guys in suits, concession workers and the like. No one had credentials and the guard wasn’t even paying attention. I saw my opportunity. Now because of Step One, I was able to act like I was SUPPOSED to be walking past the guard and into the elevator.
I walked by the guard and got onto the elevator.
I was pissing my pants, (no, not literally) standing there waiting for the door to close. The door starts to close and I think that I’m in the clear. Just before it seals, an arm thrusts into the car, and the doors open again. It’s the security guard. Im not kidding.
At this point, I knew that I was busted. Thanks to Step One, I didn’t ACT like I was busted. The guard reaches over to the control panel, looks at me and says: “What floor?”
At this point, if I was Ferris Bueller, I would have looked into the camera and smirked.
We get down into the bowels of the Miami Arena and I step out of the elevator like Luke Skywalker walking into the Carbonite freezing chamber on Cloud City. I cant go left because there’s a concrete wall. I look to the right (the security guard was obviously in a hurry, because when the doors opened he shot out of there and never looked back at me) and I could tell that I had hit paydirt. Roadies were EVERYWHERE, carring cables and monitors. It was a long hallway and here I was walking down it, to what end I had no idea.
Step Three: Look like a roadie
I had on shorts, work boots, a VH concert T from the 5150 tour, a baseball hat on backwards and a sweatshirt tied around my waist (pretty picture, I know). I LOOKED like I belonged, and I was just drunk enough to pull it off.
Step Three A: Be Lucky
I had walked maybee fifteen feet out of the elevator when I walked past a sideroom. Just as I was walking buy, a remote crew from the local TV station came busting out. Camera man, tech guy and bleach-blond microphone-touting TV reporter…the whole works. They were heading into the main part of the back stage area where I knew all the action must have been happening. I immediately saw the resemblance in attire between me and the camera guy, so I jogged along side of them, riding their crest into the inner depths!
I was able to stay with them for about thirty yards before a few dirty looks from the camera and tech guy convinced me that I should try to go it alone before they screamed for security. They ran ahead of me and I was left alone to contest with the first major security check-point. I hung back and surveyed the situation: A thin hallway guarded by an old man sitting on a chair, checking backstage passes (which I did not possess). There was a bathroom just before the check point, so I ducked in.
In the bathroom I kind of went through what I had going for me: I had gotten this far on my cunning skill and charm, I told myself that I could get past the old man. Splash some water on my face, take some deep breaths, and I’m ready to do or die.
The old man sees me coming out of the bathroom. I approach him and he gestures to the area where a back stage pass should be dangling from my neck. The next thing that happens is total improv. I don’t know where this came from. I probably have Step One to thank. The first thing I did was act surprised that there was no back stage pass dangling from my neck. The next thing I did was set him at ease by giving that “I know, your just doing your job” all-knowing smile. I told him that I must have left it in the bathroom. I said (totally straight-faced) I could go back and get it if he wanted (thank you, alcohol!). And right on cue, just as if we were in an “Eddie-Murphy-where-everyone-is-dumb-accept-for-me” movie, he looks at me and gives me one of those “im throwing a football in slow motion”-like gestures and says: “Naaaaaaa!” Then he waves me in.(Ferris looks into the camera again)
Step Four: Act like you own the place
I walk down to the end of the narrow hallway, fresh off of my Jedi-Mind-Trick victory over the old man, and come to the banquet room. There were lots of people here, and I could see Eddie and Alex through a glass wall, in another room. Obviously this is where the meet-n-greet was taking place. There were about thirty people in line to get into this room, and they all had backstage passes. At this point I’m like Indianna Jones staring across the room at the Idol on the pedistal. I had come this freaking far, there was no way that I was going to WAIT IN LINE. This was the endgame. It was do or die. I took a deep breath and WALKED PAST EVERYONE IN LINE. I heard a few people grumbling about the situation, but again, I must have LOOKED like I should be cutting the line.
I made it. I’m in the room where Eddie and Alex are holding court (where was Sammy?). Nice spread too. Food, drink, hot chicks. I shake Eddie’s hand and mumble something incoherent and stupid, and he smiles at me and moves along. After a few minutes I realize that there is a growing group of people who are looking at me and talking closely amongst themselves. Kind of like when I would go to Frat parties in college (uninvited) and groups of girls would be giggling into their beer cups as I stood by myself. That happen to anyone else out there? Anyway, my mission was accomplished and it was time for me to get out of there. Everyone was probably wondering where I had gone off too, and the show was going to start. The guys were never going to believe this one.
Check back for part II of the story titled: "How to almost get shot by Eddie Van Halen"
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