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I was checking out the Van Halen board on VH1.com to see if anyone was talking about the radio gig not long ago and came across the Van Halen/Aerosmith touring this summer thread. It got under my skin a little bit and had to lash out which is not something I do.....EVER!!!!!
I'm having an, "Oh Fuck my shoot didn't open day"! So please forgive me. I had to reply. Some of it I've written before but it is relevant so I wrote it again.
WOOWWWW!!!! This isn't some really cruel April fools joke is it? I didn't hear anything on the news and this would be a bigdeal. I mean, I understand there are other stories out there right now but you'd think MTV, VH1 or a blurb on CNN would have been released cause Van Halen will be touring for the first time in 20 freaking years!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't know Diamond Dave was back and I don't live in a cave. I would have heard something... I do recall a rumor about three ex-members of the band hiring some chic that played Janis Joplin in a movie called, "The Rose" and had a hit with like, "Wind Beneath My Wings" or something like that. I heard some monkeyass band was soiling the band name which makes me wonder why they weren't sued for copyrwrite enfringement.
This is gonna be a stadium tour that Aerosmith will open and The Mighty Van Halen will finally remind people how to have a good time. Just maybe "The Toastmaster General" and the boys will rectify this absolutely horrendous and stale situation that is the current music industry. I can't wait to hear music that makes you smile instead of reminding you to put on the eye liner and use this "Nu" idea called Drop D because you're to f*cking lazy to learn how to play anything else. You know, the generic, faceless, interchangeable bands that are popular nowadays.. I think I'm gonna write a book and call it:
"How To Get A Contract For Mediocrity"
List of steps.......
1.) Don't bother learning chords.
2.) Don't forget to down tune your guitar.
3.) Hire frontman who can't sing, write, or play an
instrument but must be able to scream
unintelligeable lyrics about how much life sucks.
(whining on key and being the biggest corporate
pile of horse hockey is a must)
4.) Must also sound as generic and irrelevant as every
other band famous at the present moment.
5.) Smiling on stage is forbidden and will be punished
by death. (NO EXCEPTIONS)
6.) Must fit into whatever format Clear Channel,
Record Companies, MTV or its parent company
Viacom decide to promote as "cool" by present
standards.
7.) Must have absolutely zero charisma or sex appeal.
8.) Must be willing to sign away your soul for your 5
minutes of fame without default on said
transaction.
9.) A.)Must be willing to blame the internet for
declining record sales instead of speaking the
truth by admitting it is actually the industries
fault for promoting music that makes corporate
rock like Journey and Boston look like "mom
and pop" upstarts.
B.)Must vote for Nirvana in every poll ever
taken regardless of topic. Example Topic:
"Who do you love more, Looney Tunes or
Disney characters?" Answer: Nirvana and Kurt
Cobain.
10.) Must never publicly admit Nirvana and Kurt Cobain
are the biggest reason music has sucked since
1992! Violation of this matter will result in
massive lawsuits that will strip you of all royalties
earned on the drivel that is your product. Also
can be sued to keep you from performing under
current band name or as a solo artist. Will lose
rights to use image, logo, and all other
trademarked merchandise. Will NOT be allowed
to mention anything on stated matter in public or
liner notes and can never comment publiclly or
otherwise on the stipulations of this contract.
I'm having an, "Oh Fuck my shoot didn't open day"! So please forgive me. I had to reply. Some of it I've written before but it is relevant so I wrote it again.
WOOWWWW!!!! This isn't some really cruel April fools joke is it? I didn't hear anything on the news and this would be a bigdeal. I mean, I understand there are other stories out there right now but you'd think MTV, VH1 or a blurb on CNN would have been released cause Van Halen will be touring for the first time in 20 freaking years!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't know Diamond Dave was back and I don't live in a cave. I would have heard something... I do recall a rumor about three ex-members of the band hiring some chic that played Janis Joplin in a movie called, "The Rose" and had a hit with like, "Wind Beneath My Wings" or something like that. I heard some monkeyass band was soiling the band name which makes me wonder why they weren't sued for copyrwrite enfringement.
This is gonna be a stadium tour that Aerosmith will open and The Mighty Van Halen will finally remind people how to have a good time. Just maybe "The Toastmaster General" and the boys will rectify this absolutely horrendous and stale situation that is the current music industry. I can't wait to hear music that makes you smile instead of reminding you to put on the eye liner and use this "Nu" idea called Drop D because you're to f*cking lazy to learn how to play anything else. You know, the generic, faceless, interchangeable bands that are popular nowadays.. I think I'm gonna write a book and call it:
"How To Get A Contract For Mediocrity"
List of steps.......
1.) Don't bother learning chords.
2.) Don't forget to down tune your guitar.
3.) Hire frontman who can't sing, write, or play an
instrument but must be able to scream
unintelligeable lyrics about how much life sucks.
(whining on key and being the biggest corporate
pile of horse hockey is a must)
4.) Must also sound as generic and irrelevant as every
other band famous at the present moment.
5.) Smiling on stage is forbidden and will be punished
by death. (NO EXCEPTIONS)
6.) Must fit into whatever format Clear Channel,
Record Companies, MTV or its parent company
Viacom decide to promote as "cool" by present
standards.
7.) Must have absolutely zero charisma or sex appeal.
8.) Must be willing to sign away your soul for your 5
minutes of fame without default on said
transaction.
9.) A.)Must be willing to blame the internet for
declining record sales instead of speaking the
truth by admitting it is actually the industries
fault for promoting music that makes corporate
rock like Journey and Boston look like "mom
and pop" upstarts.
B.)Must vote for Nirvana in every poll ever
taken regardless of topic. Example Topic:
"Who do you love more, Looney Tunes or
Disney characters?" Answer: Nirvana and Kurt
Cobain.
10.) Must never publicly admit Nirvana and Kurt Cobain
are the biggest reason music has sucked since
1992! Violation of this matter will result in
massive lawsuits that will strip you of all royalties
earned on the drivel that is your product. Also
can be sued to keep you from performing under
current band name or as a solo artist. Will lose
rights to use image, logo, and all other
trademarked merchandise. Will NOT be allowed
to mention anything on stated matter in public or
liner notes and can never comment publiclly or
otherwise on the stipulations of this contract.