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HIYYY-yo,
Garrett The FLOGG, here..
Today Boys and Girls, I'd like to discusseth a point in fact I've maintained for many years now.. long before the Nintendonet..
I NEVER HAD NOTHIN' AGAINST SAMMY HAGGAR!
Yup, its' true: After this admission I'll probably get banished to the VHlinks or some other REdhead-infested shithole boared where they scream:
"I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE SAMMY AND EDWARD TOGETHER FACE TO FACE AGAIN!!!"
Sammy was always fun. I admit this: dressing up in Restaurant colors all fuckin' Yellow and Red (ketchup n mustard, sublime marketing via McDonald's and Burker King among others: make you hungry?). Paul Rogers modeled himself on Robert Plant, but Sammy who didn't wanna give the telltale influence away, CHOSE TO ROB THE IMAGE OF RONALD MC DONALD which I found unique in all of Pop Music.
Caption #3. Sam Responds via fax to fans during Voice Of America tour
I mean, why aim to sound like Paul Rodgers, Roger Daltry, or Robert Plant but look nothing like them - only a restaurant marketing image?
DON'T YOU THINK MCDONALDS" WAS PISSED?
I do. I hoped they would stop him and cut the Clown Capers, but he never did really.This irritated me and I took him off the Pedestal of Cool Rock Dudes in my imagination, and pitched his frazzled face into that area of HomosexualiTEH© one relegates folks they encounter as being "must-avoids" for one's future mental reference..
I mean: What the fuck happened to Sammy? Was it Lead Singer's Disease that made him leave Montrose? "Rock Candy" was a heavy and cool fucking tune.. it's like maybe, MAYBE he didn't even write the bieoyuatch n'shit cuz Sammy ain't done Heavy Metal like that since.
Just a bunch a CLASSLESS rocked-up Broadway Pop tunes one could hear in most any elevator downtown or shopping mall foyer loudwpeaker.. if Sam "had" it in 1974, well FUCKME he lost it by late-1974.
Anyways, getting past the many years since I wrote off Hagar to Them Which Suck To No Return (about 1979 or 80 even) - I mean he MAY have had another tune besides Rock Candy which were not VERY sucky but you could tap a foot to in traffic (till you realized the group was headed by a RedHeaded dwarf in yellow vinyl suit no less) but idon't recall very many.
Actually Rock Candy is about it. Actually-actually; it was just that first 4 bars with the hard guitar riff, what am I talking about? And that was Ronnie Montrose.. oh well, I guess I ALWAYS had something against Sammy Hagar cuz he looks like a Santa Monica Blvd/LaBrea Boystown Runaway Gay Hustling Prostitute Fruitcupman the type what hails elderly gentlemen providers in traffic for drug money at 3am on a Sunday morning.
HERE'S MY SOLUTION!
In order to keep Sammy out of the path of traffic and his prospective clientelle that may be unaware he's not a woman really, why don't we defeather his PleasureDOME™?
I'm sure tht with enough persuasion, some Vice-Grip© Brand™ pliers, and some forecible elbow work we could dewig The WickedWITCH of her MidlerNEST©™ which to reveal beneath all that wiggyeage, one small, chubby (but cute.. teeheehee!) BRIDGE DRONE TROLL.
I need some volunteers to help Pluck Sam's Goose.. we might reveal to his eye some insight to the fact he's a man and the sins of Male Prostitution are unacceptable to ours or any SocieTEH™.
I think this moment of clariTEH© may initiate some change because Sam HAS to help himself. One look at himself face to face in the mirror may be the Reality Check Sam needs to realize EVH is just pimping him out onstage this summer.. or else he might also just head out to Hollywood Wig and hit the street again..
It could go both ways. I'm just saying we could help the guy change for the better and get his life in order because really, REALLY I got nothing against this sick motherfucker.
His mom won't swallow though... that bothers me. I don't know why I mention that here..
Garrett The FLOGG, here..
Today Boys and Girls, I'd like to discusseth a point in fact I've maintained for many years now.. long before the Nintendonet..
I NEVER HAD NOTHIN' AGAINST SAMMY HAGGAR!
Yup, its' true: After this admission I'll probably get banished to the VHlinks or some other REdhead-infested shithole boared where they scream:
"I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE SAMMY AND EDWARD TOGETHER FACE TO FACE AGAIN!!!"
Sammy was always fun. I admit this: dressing up in Restaurant colors all fuckin' Yellow and Red (ketchup n mustard, sublime marketing via McDonald's and Burker King among others: make you hungry?). Paul Rogers modeled himself on Robert Plant, but Sammy who didn't wanna give the telltale influence away, CHOSE TO ROB THE IMAGE OF RONALD MC DONALD which I found unique in all of Pop Music.
Caption #3. Sam Responds via fax to fans during Voice Of America tour
I mean, why aim to sound like Paul Rodgers, Roger Daltry, or Robert Plant but look nothing like them - only a restaurant marketing image?
DON'T YOU THINK MCDONALDS" WAS PISSED?
I do. I hoped they would stop him and cut the Clown Capers, but he never did really.This irritated me and I took him off the Pedestal of Cool Rock Dudes in my imagination, and pitched his frazzled face into that area of HomosexualiTEH© one relegates folks they encounter as being "must-avoids" for one's future mental reference..
I mean: What the fuck happened to Sammy? Was it Lead Singer's Disease that made him leave Montrose? "Rock Candy" was a heavy and cool fucking tune.. it's like maybe, MAYBE he didn't even write the bieoyuatch n'shit cuz Sammy ain't done Heavy Metal like that since.
Just a bunch a CLASSLESS rocked-up Broadway Pop tunes one could hear in most any elevator downtown or shopping mall foyer loudwpeaker.. if Sam "had" it in 1974, well FUCKME he lost it by late-1974.
Anyways, getting past the many years since I wrote off Hagar to Them Which Suck To No Return (about 1979 or 80 even) - I mean he MAY have had another tune besides Rock Candy which were not VERY sucky but you could tap a foot to in traffic (till you realized the group was headed by a RedHeaded dwarf in yellow vinyl suit no less) but idon't recall very many.
Actually Rock Candy is about it. Actually-actually; it was just that first 4 bars with the hard guitar riff, what am I talking about? And that was Ronnie Montrose.. oh well, I guess I ALWAYS had something against Sammy Hagar cuz he looks like a Santa Monica Blvd/LaBrea Boystown Runaway Gay Hustling Prostitute Fruitcupman the type what hails elderly gentlemen providers in traffic for drug money at 3am on a Sunday morning.
HERE'S MY SOLUTION!
In order to keep Sammy out of the path of traffic and his prospective clientelle that may be unaware he's not a woman really, why don't we defeather his PleasureDOME™?
I'm sure tht with enough persuasion, some Vice-Grip© Brand™ pliers, and some forecible elbow work we could dewig The WickedWITCH of her MidlerNEST©™ which to reveal beneath all that wiggyeage, one small, chubby (but cute.. teeheehee!) BRIDGE DRONE TROLL.
I need some volunteers to help Pluck Sam's Goose.. we might reveal to his eye some insight to the fact he's a man and the sins of Male Prostitution are unacceptable to ours or any SocieTEH™.
I think this moment of clariTEH© may initiate some change because Sam HAS to help himself. One look at himself face to face in the mirror may be the Reality Check Sam needs to realize EVH is just pimping him out onstage this summer.. or else he might also just head out to Hollywood Wig and hit the street again..
It could go both ways. I'm just saying we could help the guy change for the better and get his life in order because really, REALLY I got nothing against this sick motherfucker.
His mom won't swallow though... that bothers me. I don't know why I mention that here..
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