Joke thread

[Matt White]

Larry gets home late one night, and his wife Linda says, where in the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would you get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I Like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand, and Last, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home And blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."


Ngk Ngk Ngk!!!

[Bob_R]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.


Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.


When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.


The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.


The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.


The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:



Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[Bob_R]

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a
bench talking........and one blonde says to the
other, "Which do you think is farther
away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde
turns and says "Helloooooooooo!!! can you see
Florida.......?????"

[MAX]

I didn't know where else to put this so here goes...

I heard this on the radio while driving home from work and found it cute.

Apparantly there's this new store in Chicago specifically designed for women to BUY a husband. Yeah, "No Shit?" tis' what I said as well.

Well the store has six levels.

Here's the catch. The woman can only keep going up. Once she passes on a specific man, she cannot go back down only to exit the store.

A woman tried it for the radio station and here's how it went.

On the first floor after stepping off the elevator it reads:

"These men have jobs"

The woman thought "Not bad. I mean it's better than my last boyfriend." However, she decided to go up.

The second floor reads:

"These men have jobs and love children"

The woman thought "awesome" but there were still four more levels, so why not see what's next?

The third floor reads:

"These men have jobs, love children and are extremely good looking"

She almost bit but was halfway there, so what could going up another floor hurt?

The fourth floor read:

"These men have jobs, love children, are extremely good looking and love to help with the housework"

Well, the prospects just kept getting better so she decided to go up yet another floor.

The fifth floor read:

"These men have jobs, love children, are extremely good looking, love to help with housework and are very romantically inclined"

The woman thought "WOW!!!" but figured that if there's one more level, she might as well give it a go.

She stepped off the elevator on the sixth floor and the sign read:

"You are visitor 3,565,231 and thank you for shopping at Husbands R Us you may now exit the store."

Just goes to show that no matter how good you might think you are, a woman always wants more and is willing to look for it.

[Keeyth]

That's been posted before here many times and the punch line is messed up on your version, it supposed to end with something along the lines of "It just goes to show that women can't resist shopping and that there is no pleasing a woman" or something like that... ...but no worries!

[Keeyth]

[Ozzy Fudd]

Ya know almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it
necessary to hire a private investigator, Alan
Pinkerton, for protection. That was the beginning of
the Secret Service .

Since that time, federal police authority has grown to
a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI , CIA ,
INS , IRS , DEA , ATF , etc.

Now comes the Federal Air Transportation Airport
Security Service.
Can't you see them now? These highly
trained men and women in their black outfits with
initials in large white letters across their backs?

F A. T. A. S. S.

[Ozzy Fudd]

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "Okay old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about
5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and boom, he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dangit, third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of the story...Don't mess with us old folks. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

[Anonymous]

Medicine through the Ages
2000 BC: "Here, eat this root." 1000 AD: "That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer." 1850 AD: "That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion." 1900 AD: "That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill." 1950 AD: "That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic." 2000 AD: "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root."

A waiter delivered a bottle of fine Merlot to a beautiful woman and said, "This is from the gentleman at the bar." She regarded the wine and the man for a moment, and then sent back a written reply. The gentleman read it. "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in the garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants." He read the note, and then composed one of his own. She read, "For your information, I have a Ferrari, a BMW, a Mercedes and a Porsche in my garage and twenty million in the bank, but not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Send back the wine!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Jurak]

As I've Matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

[Jurak]

When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...
it seemed that all of my aunts and the
grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.

[Jurak]

Fallen

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to
adultery, I'll quit!"

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen."
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen." This
satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for
years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor.
The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the side walks
in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the
confessional talking about having fallen!" The mayor started to laugh,
realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor
and said,"I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"

[Anonymous]

How does a bad golfer differ from a bad skydiver? The bad golfer goes Whack! "Damn!" while the bad skydiver goes, "Damn!" Whack!

One guy said to the other, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything. And what she doesn't have, she just goes out and buys herself. I'm stumped." His buddy said, "Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have an hour of great sex any way she wants it?" "Great idea. She'll be thrilled." The next day, his buddy asked him, "Well? Did you take my advice?" "Sure did." "What happened?" "She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me, and ran out the door, yelling, "See ya in an hour!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[rustoffa]

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody.
He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an
impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a
coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler
the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before,
but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

[Bob_R]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells
the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few
minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the
story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"