Joke thread

**Bob_R** · 03-06-2004, 08:28 PM

The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman
for most of her life, finally retired. At her next checkup,
the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grewwide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes,
dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in
the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks...

And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"

**Sarge** · 03-08-2004, 05:42 PM

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing.. she has already been told twice!

**Sarge** · 03-08-2004, 05:42 PM

it's just a joke..

**knuckleboner** · 03-08-2004, 05:59 PM

heh heh. the physically joke complement to that one, sarge, is:

what do all battered women have in common?

[screaming as you pound your fist on the table:] THEY NEVER FUCKING LISTEN!!!!

(also, just a joke...)

**Bob_R** · 03-13-2004, 02:55 PM

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!" Silence fell upon the congregation. In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: "snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"
Don't you just love little old ladies?

**Ozzy Fudd** · 03-14-2004, 04:59 PM

Deer Sir,

We wanna apply for the secritary job what we saw in the paper. WE can Type real quik wit one finggar and can sulve Solitair in 20 seconds in the Profi mode.
WE love speaking on the telefone and because of that We do talk to my frends on it for about houers a day.

Werere lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.
so you can pay Us what you theenk that were am werth,

Thank you in idvance fore yore anser.

Yore best aplicant so farr

BS : Because the resime is a bit short below is a picksure of us taken at oure last jobb.

**Ozzy Fudd** · 03-14-2004, 05:08 PM

the joke

Ok I'm sorry (Yeah Right !!!)

Here is the joke

My lord, I do think it is one of the best!!

POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container......... "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

**Full Bug** · 03-18-2004, 05:30 PM

Gynaecologist Appointment

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns away, saying, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh"

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls backover and taps his wife again, saying, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

**Bob_R** · 03-18-2004, 09:52 PM

A FISHY STORY

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week.

This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.

We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike.

After a pause he adds.."Why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas
like I asked you to do?"

"I did", she said, "they're in your tackle box."

**Bob_R** · 03-18-2004, 10:05 PM

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was
about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I
yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?" She couldn't hear me and
she shouted back, "What?"

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking
motion. Then my wife wasn't sure and said, What? I repeated the
gestures. "EYE KNEE-THE RAKE"

My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first
points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points
to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell
I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and
asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replies,

EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH

**Bob_R** · 03-21-2004, 01:32 PM

A burglar broke into a house one night. When he picked up a CD player, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing more, he clicked on his flashlight and began
searching again for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so
he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is
watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he asked the parrot.
"Yep," confessed the parrot, ! ! and then squawked, "I'm trying to warn
you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?"
"Moses," replied the parrot.
The burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid person would name a parrot
Moses?"

The parrot replied, "Probably the same kind of person that would name a Rotweiller Jesus."

**Full Bug** · 03-21-2004, 03:19 PM

There was an older woman wondering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crissssco!"

Soon, a store clerk approached her, saying, "Madam, the Crisco is on Aisle D."

The woman replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."

"Your husband's name is Crisco?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, no, no! I only call him that when we're in public," she said.

Curious, the clerk asked, "Well, what do you call him when you're at home?"

"Lard ass," she replied.

**Bob_R** · 03-21-2004, 08:19 PM

A rich white guy in Georgia decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the
token black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the
pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time
drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with
the women.

At the height of the party, the rich white dude said, "I have a 10ft
man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone
who has the balls to jump in." The words were barely out of the
rich white dude's mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned
around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds
of shit like head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and
flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Japanese Judo
Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both
Leroy and the gator were screaming and rasing hell. Finally Leroy
strangled the gator and let it float to the bottom like a K-mart goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just
staring at him in disbelief. Finally the rich white guy says, "Well, Leroy,
I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it.", said Leroy.

The rich white dude said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it.", answered Leroy.
The white dude said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something.
That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

The brother said no.

The confused rich white guy said, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the muthafucka who pushed me in the
pool!"

**Bob_R** · 03-21-2004, 08:22 PM

It was Gregory the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he
arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole
family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way
with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing
lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him
through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
ever experienced.

When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him
a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said,
"but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him
what to give you.

He said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar!"
"The breakfast was my idea."

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