Joke thread

[sambo]

THE BONUS QUESTION

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A”

[lms2]

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
but I just couldn't sleep...
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned...the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
stuffing with gravy, green beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
with a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees...
Happy eating to all -- pass the cranberries, please.

[Bob_R]

Four of Santa’s elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Ozzy Fudd]

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is
wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too.

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."

True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her husband
about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on
immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

[Carmine]

At a recent job interview for a brunette, a red head and a blonde, the interviewer asked but one question: How many D's are in Indiana Jones?

The brunette answered quickly...."well, one of course". Thank you... send in the red head.

The red head answered quickly as well..." there is one D in Indiana Jones" Thank you, please send the next women in please.

The Blonde, when asked started to count on her fingers...2,4,6.....hmmmm, can I use your calculator, she said". The interviewer asked what was so difficult about the question? The blonde quickly answered 32! the interviewer says 32? How did you you come up with that?

The blonde starts to sing....da da da da, da da da, da da da da, da da da da da!

[Carmine]

An irisman, a mexican and a blonde man were at the construction site of the new high rise buliding they were working at having their lunch.

The irishman opens his lunch box and says "Goddammit, Corned beef and cabbage again! If I have this one more time, I'll jump from the top of this building!

The Mexican opens his lunch and says " son of bitch, burrito again! If I have Burrito one more tine, I will leap off this building!

The blonde man opens his lunch and says" WTF! Bologne again! If I have Bologne again, I'm jumping off this buliding!

The next day all 3 find the same items in their lunch and all 3 leap to their deaths!

At their funeral, the wife of the Irishman says: Had I known he would do this I colud have made him something else! She feels terrible...

The mexicans wife says" I could have made him a taco or enchilada....she feels terrible as well.

The 2 wives look at the blondes wife.....she says.."what! Dont look at me, that stupid bastard packed his own lunches!

[lms2]

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a "genie". But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works". "You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It
looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with
plentiful food and drink."

***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached!

[Ozzy Fudd]

PARENT - Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, none of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma

Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa

JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product! Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you!

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, and let them know they are appreciated

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of

arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to

skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body

thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a

ride!""

[lms2]

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very
taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a
client, named Wright, who was due to be hanged for
murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency
to the governor had
failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home his wife
started on him about, "What time of night do you call
this? Where have you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar
ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whisky
and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub...
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the
wife answered and was told that her husband's client
had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she
decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the
sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over
naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed , "For crying out loud,
Woman, don't you ever stop!?"

[rustoffa]

A homeless dipshit passes out behind a gay bar.....

A faggot comes out back, sees him lying there passed out, and thinks "well, he ain't half-bad for a homeless dipshit", and fucks him while he's passed out.

The faggot feels kinda bad about it afterwards and shoves a twenty-spot in the homeless dipshit's shirt pocket.

The homeless dipshit wakes up the next day, finds the twenty-spot in his shirt pocket and goes directly to the liquor store, telling the guy behind the counter "gimme twenty dollars worth of the cheapest wine ya got".

The homeless dipshit proceeds to consume the cornucopia of cheap wine and ends up passed out behind the same gay bar.

The aforementioned faggot finds him there again and goes to find his friend..."this is the thing I was tellin' ya about....he ain't bad for a homeless dipshit eh"?

The aforementioned faggot and his friend both fuck the homeless dipshit and each leave a twenty-spot in his shirt pocket afterwards due to the aforementioned guilt

The homeless dipshit wakes up the next day, finds two twenty-spots in his shirt pocket and goes directly to the liquor store, telling the guy behind the counter " gimme forty dollars worth of the most expensive wine ya got".

The guy behind the counter goes "most expensive?....what the fuck is up with that?"

The homeless dipshit goes "that cheap shit is ok, but it sure tears your ass up the next day".

[lms2]

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his friend's life, the chicken began to think. Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend the horse. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.


A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?....................................



When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

[sambo]

Three couples went camping only to discover that only two tents were packed for the trip. After a short discussion it was decided that the men would sleep in one tent while the women would share the other.

At about 2:00 am John was awakened by Bob, who was sleeping beside him, with a huge erection in his hand.

"Look the size of this, it must be all the fresh air, I'm going over to visit my wife!" Bob exclaimed. "Would you like me to come with you?"

John asked. "Why would I want you to come?" Bob asked. "Because that's my cock your holding in your hand."

[sambo]

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm.

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion.

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man really gets into fucking this guy's wife so he works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.

Stubborn to the end, the husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him, triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a fucking towel!"

[sambo]

and for my 900th post...

A woman was in bed having sex with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "Get your ass up and stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an fucking idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

[Jérôme Frenchise]

There was a cuisine contest last week-end, consisting in answering to questions about recipes. I was a bit "forced" to take part in it. I don't know too much about cooking, but I was damned lucky because I made no mistake. This feat owed me the top prize: my weight in olive oil, plus... 20 euros a day! Ain't that luck, 20 euros per day...