Joke thread

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Two guys meet somewhere in town. They've been good pals for a long time, so they will confess very personal stuff to each other.
One of them has got a bad, bad wound on his cheek, and a bad, bad black eye.

Jack: What happened to your face, pal?

George: Oh, well, it's my wife... She was fumbling for food in that fucking deep-freeze. You know how I am, she was wearing a very short skirt, and seeing her bend over, her buns right before my eyes... I couldn't help it! I started fucking her.
And she whacked my face with a deep-frozen leg of lamb, you see...

Jack: Damn! What's wrong for a husband to make love to his wife? Doesn't she dig it that you fuck her?!

George: She does, but...





... not at the supermarket!

[Ozzy Fudd]

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White"

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the heck does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up....

[Ozzy Fudd]

Will You Marry Me?



A guy with a 25-inch member went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this anymore!
It's too long." The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if
you see the witchdoctor in the bayou, she can help you."

So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and find a female frog.
Ask her to marry you. She'll say 'No' and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her, "Will you marry me?"
"No!" she said.

He lost 5 inches off his member! The guy liked the results, and thought,
20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"

The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, 15 inches is great!
But 10 inches would just be perfect.!!!

So he asked, "Will you marry me?"

And the frog said, "How many times do I have to tell you...NO! NO! NO!"

[blonddgirl777]

The Blonde Texas City Girl...

Amy, a blonde Texas city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.. right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants on..."

[Matt White]

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.

The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story ?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

Kiss your ass goodbye!

[Matt White]

What separates "Dumb" from "Dumber"?

THe Ohio River!:p

[Jurak]

Support Group for those who talk too much:
On and On and On Anon

[Jurak]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[Jurak]

3 Engineers are debating about God. The 1st engineer says, "God must have been a mechanical engineer because of how the whole muscle/skeletal system is designed." The 2nd engineer says, "No, God must be an Electrical Engineer because of how the Central Nervous system is designed." The 3rd engineer says, "You're both wrong. God must have been a Civil Engineer...because only a Civil Engineer would run a sewer line through a recreational area."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Two physicists were in a debate. As the debate raged, however, they came to realize that their competing theories were not actually incompatible. Having come to this conclusion, each stepped out from behind his lectern and strode towards the other, across the lecture hall. They reached out their hands to shake, and--ZAP--a small spark of static electricity jumped between their fingers.

"Well," one said to the other, "I'm glad we've finally found a common ground."

[Jurak]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her
five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in
the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying,
All of you bastards who want off, get the fuck off
now, cause we're in a hurry!
And all of you bastards who are getting on, get the
fuck on, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We
don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I
want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO
HOURS.

When you come out, you may play With your train, but
I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom
and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings with
you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of
you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand
luggage under Your seat. Remember, there is no smoking
on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
Journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child
added..........
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO
HOUR delay, please please see the fat bitch in the
kitchen."

[Jurak]

A cowboy in Texas gets pulled over by a State Trooper
for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the
ticket. A moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me
a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back
to writing the ticket.

After a long pause,
the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,
"Hard to fool them flies though."

[Matt White]

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with 3-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good, and my husband is having an affair with his secretary.
When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry..."

[Matt White]

At a local college, there was a dance. A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

[Seshmeister]

I was in a pub and told the following joke:

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.

"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked.

"No," replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".

[Seshmeister]

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps
So the doctor examines her and does some tests and says "you're going to have to looking forward to the idea of long sleepless nights full of crying and changing napies"
"Why? Am I Pregnant?"
"no" the doctor replies, you've got bowel cancer