Joke thread

[Ozzy Fudd]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of
the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her
on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual
urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The
starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You're bullshittin'
me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[Ozzy Fudd]

Q.) why was the Blondes belly button so sore ?

A.) Her Boyfriend was not so smart either

[canadiandlrgirl]

Three mice were sitting in a bar one borring evening and making bets on who was the toughest mouse.
The first mouse said, "i'm that tough, you kno that "rat nip," i sniff it!
The second mouse says "That's not so tough, see those "mouse traps," I bench press those!
The third mouse slams his drink down on the bar and says, "Oh yeah, you guys think you are so tough? "See me, I'm going home to FUCK the cat!!

[canadiandlrgirl]

Originally posted by Ozzy Fudd
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of
the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her
on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual
urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The
starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You're bullshittin'
me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

LMAO good one Fudd!

[canadiandlrgirl]

Did you hear about the tap dancing blonde?
















She fell in the sink

[canadiandlrgirl]

Yo mamma so poor she had to jack off the dog to feed the cat

[canadiandlrgirl]

What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
















Toys for twats

[Ozzy Fudd]

Q.Why do blonde women wear hoop earings?

A. Ankle holsters.

[Keeyth]

WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE TO SPEAK ENGLISH ?

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a Naval
conference that included
admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and
French Navies. At
a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group
of half dozen
or so officers that included personnel from most of the
countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they
sipped their drinks
but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas
Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why
is it that we
always have to speak English in these conferences rather
than speaking
French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied,
"Maybe it's
because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged
it so you
wouldn't have to speak German."

Suddenly the group became very quiet.

[Keeyth]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[Keeyth]

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk
at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over
himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in
your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone
threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the
dry cleaning bill.

So they stay for another couple of hours and get
even drunker. Eventually Larry stumbles home and his
wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of
alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God,
you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his
words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain
everythin Itsh snot wha jew think.

I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy
got ssick on me...he had one too many! and he juss
koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry
an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But
this is forty bucks."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my
pants, too."

[Keeyth]

A SUBTLE WAY TO SAY SOMETHING:


A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when
a second
golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first
said that he
usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were
even after the
first few holes.

The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about
playing for
five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but
agreed to the
terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen and while counting
his $80.00,
the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a
neighboring course and
liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return
the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish
to bet with
you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to
you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and
make a
donation. And...if you want to bring your mother and father
along, I'll
marry them."

[Matt White]

Women's English:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want...
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble.
7. Sure, go ahead = You'd better not.
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later.
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

[Bob_R]

Proctology today......

A student of proctology is in the morgue one day
after classes, wanting to get a little practice in
before the final exams.

He goes over to a table where a body is lying face
down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he
finds a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring that
this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to
his absolute surprise, singing begins "On the
road again ... just can't wait to get on the road
again..."

The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into
the anus. The music & singing stops. Totally freaked out, the
student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.


"Look at this! This is really something!" the
student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back
out again. Again, they hear, "On the road again..
just can't wait to get on the road again..."

"So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously
unimpressed with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever
seen?" asked the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the examiner, "Any
asshole can sing country music

[diamondsgirl]

LOL