Joke thread

[Bob_R]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her
new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.


This scenario was repeated each time they made love,
for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was
a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other
incidentals that she needed.


Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised
to find her husband home in a very drunken state.


During the next few minutes, he explained that his
employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely
that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another
position that paid anywhere near what he'd been
earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed
more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest
totaling nearly $1 million dollars.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which were worth over $2 million dollars,
and informed him that they were one of the largest
depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades
that she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had
multiplied and these were the results of her savings
and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth
over $3 million dollars, her husband was so astounded
he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice
and blurted out;


"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would
have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

Sometimes men just don't know when to keep their
mouths shut.

[Bob_R]

A young Italian girl was going on a date. Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana

letame tella you about those-a young boys. He's agonna try ana kiss you,

you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that."



"He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but

don'ta let him do that."



"But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna

likea dat, but don'ta let him do that. Doing thata willa disgrace the

family."



With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.



The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had

predicted: "Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I

just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"



Nonna fainted!!

[Soul Reaper]

Bob Geldof, Ozzy Osbourne and Michael Jackson were on the Titanic when hit an iceberg....Geldof said "Save the Children", Ozzy said "Fuck the children" and Michael Jackson said "What, now?"

[Keeyth]

*rim shot*

[Dave's Bitch]

i heard kinda a sick joke today

i heard quentin tarantino is making a new film about new orleans called resivoir wogs.

i personally thought that was kinda tasteless

[Dave's Bitch]

Originally posted by EVH FANATIC
A young Italian girl was going on a date. Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana

letame tella you about those-a young boys. He's agonna try ana kiss you,

you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that."



"He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but

don'ta let him do that."



"But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna

likea dat, but don'ta let him do that. Doing thata willa disgrace the

family."



With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.



The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had

predicted: "Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I

just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"



Nonna fainted!!

sounds a lil like my fam when i went on my first date

[Keeyth]

Get up on THIS!

[Bob_R]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating
that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan.

[Northern Girl]

Here's a personnel decision conundrum:

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one
of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to
make, as they were both equally qualified and both did
excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one
used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after
partying all night.

She went to the cooler to get some water to take an
aspirin and the executive approached her and said:
"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay
you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like heck."

[Keeyth]

Well, actually I'd say that's too bad, cuz I'd rather lay you NG!

[Bob_R]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

[Bob_R]

Bar

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a glass of beer, and the bartender
says, "That'll be four cents, please."

The guy nearly spits out his beer. "Four cents?!" he says in amazement.
"How much for a plate of fish and chips with extra mashed potatoes and
gravy and a side order of peas?"

"Eleven cents," says the bartender.

The customer says he's going to recommend this place to all of his
friends
because of the low prices. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Where's the manager so I
can thank him for these low prices and shake his hand?"

"Upstairs," says the bartender, "with my wife."

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" the customer asks.

"Same thing I'm doing to his bar and his money," the bartender calmly
replies.

[Bob_R]

The Sailor

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life
by throwing herself in to the ocean. She went down to the docks and was
about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her
tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said,
"Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and
if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and
bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her
shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh
start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
and they made passionate love until dawn. Two weeks later, during a routine
inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food
and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[frets5150]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook
happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.




The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

[Anonymous]

One blonde said to another, "I had a pregnancy test last week." The other asked, "Really? Were the questions difficult?"

Two nicely-dressed ladies were chatting while waiting at the airport. One was an arrogant, wealthy, egotistical Californian. The other was a well-mannered Southern lady. The California woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The Southern lady replied, "Well, isn't that precious." The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz." Again, the other commented, "Well, isn't that precious." The first continued boasting, "Then when my third child was born, he bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, "Well, isn't that precious." The Californian asked, "What did your husband buy you when you had your first child?" "He sent me to charm school," said the Southern lady. "Charm school? Oh, God! Why?" The Southern lady replied, "Well, for one thing, I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious' instead of, 'Who gives a sh¡t?!'"

Cheers! :bottle: