Joke thread

[Anonymous]

A blonde was aboard a small two-seater airplane when the pilot had a heart attack and died. She grabbed the radio and screamed, "Mayday! Mayday! The pilot just died!" Air traffic control answered, "Don't worry, ma'am. We'll talk you down. Just do as I say. First, give me your height and position." "I'm 5 foot 2 and sitting in the right front seat!"

A young Indian boy asked his father, the chief, why Indians always have long names while white men have short names. His father replied, "Son, our names represent are creative and symbolic, unlike the white man who repeats names from generation to generation. For example, your sister, Small Romantic Moon Over the Lake, is named that because on the night she was born the moon was reflected in the lake. Your brother, Galloping White Stallion, was born when a great white horse appeared near our camp. Do you have any other questions, Two Dogs Fucking?"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

Steve was driving his girlfriend to the airport when he passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. His girlfriend saw it and snarled, "Am I supposed to think that if I drank enough of that brand of beer, I'd look like her?" Steve replied, "No, but if I drank enough of it you would!" (Steve is expected to recover soon.)

A bored policeman was sitting in his patrol car with nothing to do when he saw a gypsy riding a horse alongside the highway. "Halt!" screamed the officer as he rushed from his car. "What's wrong?" asked the gypsy. "I couldn't be speeding, could I?" "No, of course not. Your 'vehicle' is inappropriate for this highway so I'm going to have to fine you." "Oh, please, officer," begged the gypsy. "I am but a poor man. I have no money." The officer looked him over; this appeared true. "All right, how about if you give me something interesting and I'll forget I saw you." "But I have nothing." "What's that bottle there? What's that?" "It is milk from Coconut." "Good enough. Give it to me and get out of here." But when the cop took a swig from the bottle, he spit it out and said, "This tastes awful! Get out of here before I change my mind!" The gypsy shook the reins and yelled, "Go, Coconut! Go!!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Matt White]

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

[Keeyth]

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 pounds due to very
serious
Health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever
do it, he ran
across An ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS
PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself.
But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the
3-day/10 pound weight
loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door,
and when he
answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic,
19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign round her
neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the
weight loss
company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can
have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few
miles later, Huffing
and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with
her. After they
Are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like
the way this
Company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next
two days and
the Same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs
himself and is
delighted to Find he has lost 10 pounds as promised. He
calls the company
and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands
the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his
life, wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads, "If
you Catch me, you can have me." He's out the door and after
her like a
shot. This Girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a
while to catch
her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.
For the next
four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight,
on the fifth day,
he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as
promised. He
decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound
program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the
phone. "This is our
most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I
haven't felt this good
in years".

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens
it he finds a
muscular guy standing there, wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and a
sign around his neck that reads: "If I catch you, you're
mine"

[Bob_R]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

I went to the store the other day. I was in there for only about 10
minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving
a senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tires. So, I called him a piece of dog sh*t.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20
minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's
important at my age.

[Anonymous]

Customer Service Operator: "Hello. How may I help you?" Blonde: "Yes, I need Jack's telephone number?" Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand. Who are you talking about?" Blonde: "Your User Guide clearly states on section 17, page 5, that I need to unplug my fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, what's Jack's phone number?"

A blonde read a newspaper headline that blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." As she shook her head at this sad news, she asked the man sitting beside her, "How many's in a Brazilian?"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Jurak]

Elderly Jokes
An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, "What's wrong?" The old man looks at the bartender
through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, "I married a beautiful woman two days ago.
She's a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a
meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and
intensely passionate in bed."
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, "But that
sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?"
The old man looks at the bartender and says, "I can't remember where I
live!"

[Ozzy Fudd]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying:

"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff, stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the president looks up and asks,














































"How many is a brazillion?"

[Anonymous]

I had just posted that, brother Ozzy... nevermind. Here's a couple more:

Two good old boys were sitting out behind their trailers, shooting the breeze. Bubba asked, "Homer, if I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz fishin', an' made love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?" Homer scratched his head. "Nah, Bubba, I don't think so. But it would make us even."

Two Irishmen bought two pigs, but then worried about how they could tell whose was whose. Paddy suggested he cut one ear off his pig. The other Paddy thought that was a good idea. This worked fine until a few weeks later when Paddy stormed into Paddy's house. "Paddy, your pig has chewed the ear off my pig! Now we got two pigs with one ear each. Now how we gonna tell whose pig is whose?" "Well, Paddy," said Paddy, "I'll cut ta other ear off my pig. Ten we'll 'ave two pigs and only one of them will 'ave an ear." The other Paddy agreed. This worked fine until a few weeks later when Paddy stormed into Paddy's house. "Paddy, your pig has chewed the other ear offa my pig! Now, we got two pigs with no ears! Now how we gonna tell whose pig is whose?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy," said Paddy and he thought a moment. "How about if I'll cut de tail offa my pig and den we'll 'ave two pigs with no ears and only one tail." Paddy agreed. A few weeks later, Paddy stormed into Paddy's house again. "Paddy, your pig has chewed the tail offa my pig and now we got two pigs with no ears and no tails! Now how we gonna tell 'em apart?!" "Ah, fook it," said Paddy. "Why don't you have the black one and I'll have the white one?!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Bob_R]

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Alabama and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those Alabama women.

[Bob_R]

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Bubba?" the others asked.

"Bubba had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Bubba lying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Bubba!

[Bob_R]

Regarding the year 2000, a senior at U of A was overheard saying "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Alabama." When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.

[Bob_R]

The young Alabamian came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young Alabamian answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

[Bob_R]

NEWS FLASH! - Tuscaloosa, AL ----- Alabama's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Alabama students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today in Tuscaloosa. Alabama search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

[Bob_R]

An Alabama State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-20. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

Bubba replied, "Bout whut?