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  • Jurak
    Foot Soldier
    • Mar 2005
    • 607

    This guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new 500 SL MBZ."

    The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

    "OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink that entire liter of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it.

    Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

    Third. There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

    The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..." "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

    As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the liter with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

    Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then . . . silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

    "Now," he says. "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
    "Hear that O.F.? If old school Army gals with solid track records of contribution choose to bless us with their tits, ass, vagina, or just sexy eye shots, leave them be (at least until I've had a chance to rub one out)..."
    That is all.
    Icon.



    "we've always known that van hagar fans are the stupidest people on the planet but my god! "

    Comment

    • Jurak
      Foot Soldier
      • Mar 2005
      • 607

      This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time. This guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the Customer care department.

      Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired, however he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

      This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee (now I know why they record these conversations):

      ************************************************** ***********

      Employee "Rich Hall, Computer Assistance; may I help you?"

      Customer "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

      Employee "What sort of trouble?"

      Customer "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

      Employee "Went away?"

      Customer "They disappeared."

      Employee "Hmmm... So what does your screen look like now?"

      Customer "Nothing."

      Employee "Nothing?"

      Customer "It's a blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

      Employee "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

      Customer "How do I tell?"

      Employee "Can you see the 'C': prompt on the screen?"

      Customer "What is a sea prompt?"

      Employee "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

      Customer "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

      Employee "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

      Customer "What's a monitor?"

      Employee "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

      Customer "I don't know."

      Employee "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

      Customer "Yes, I think so."

      Employee "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
      plugged into the wall."

      Customer "Yes, it is."

      Employee "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it or just one?"

      Customer "No."

      Employee "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

      Customer "Okay, here it is."

      Employee "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

      Customer "I can't reach."

      Employee "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

      Customer "No."

      Employee "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

      Customer "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's
      because it's dark."

      Employee "Dark?"

      Customer "Yes -- the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

      Employee "Well, turn on the office light, then."

      Customer "I can't."

      Employee "No? Why not?"

      Customer "Because there's a power failure."

      Employee "A power.......a power failure? ... Aha, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and the packing stuff your computer came in?"

      Customer "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

      Employee "Good.. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

      Customer "Really? Is it that bad?"

      Employee "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

      Customer "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

      Employee "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
      "Hear that O.F.? If old school Army gals with solid track records of contribution choose to bless us with their tits, ass, vagina, or just sexy eye shots, leave them be (at least until I've had a chance to rub one out)..."
      That is all.
      Icon.



      "we've always known that van hagar fans are the stupidest people on the planet but my god! "

      Comment

      • Jurak
        Foot Soldier
        • Mar 2005
        • 607

        For the little cynic in all of us.
        >>> >>
        >>> >>
        >>> >>You have two choices in life:
        >>> >>You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you
        >>> >>were
        >>> >>dead.
        >>> >>
        >>> >>At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
        >>> >>your
        >>> >>wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
        >>> >>"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
        >>> >>
        >>> >>A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
        >>> >>"Husband Wanted".
        >>> >>Next day she received a hundred letters.
        >>> >>They all said the same thing:
        >>> >>"You can have mine."
        >>> >>
        >>> >>When a woman steals your husband, there is no
        >>>better revenge than
        >>> >>to let
        >>> >>her keep him.
        >>> >>
        >>> >>A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished
        >>> >>
        >>> >> A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
        >>> >>get
        >>> >>married?"
        >>> >>Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
        >>> >>
        >>> >>A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a
        >>> >>man
        >>> >>doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
        >>> >>Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
        >>> >>
        >>> >>Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness
        >>> >>was
        >>> >>until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
        >>> >>
        >>> >>Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
        >>> >>
        >>> >>If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
        >>>every
        >>> >>word
        >>> >>you say -- talk in your sleep.
        >>> >>
        >>> >>Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
        >>> >>thinking
        >>> >>they had no faults at all.
        >>> >>
        >>> >>First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
        >>> >>Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
        >>> >>
        >>> >>A Woman's Prayer:
        >>> >>"Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and
        >>> >>to
        >>> >>forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I
        >>> >>pray for
        >>> >>Strength I'll just beat him to death "
        >>> >>
        >>> >>AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
        >>> >>
        >>> >>Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine
        >>> >>children. A
        >>> >>blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives,
        >>> >>they find
        >>> >>it
        >>>overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
        >>> >>onto the
        >>> >>bus.
        >>> >>
        >>> >>So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while,
        >>> >>the
        >>> >>husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man
        >>> >>as he
        >>> >>taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a
        >>> >>piece of
        >>> >>rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
        >>> >>crazy."
        >>> >>
        >>> >>The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of
        >>> >>YOUR
        >>> >>stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."
        "Hear that O.F.? If old school Army gals with solid track records of contribution choose to bless us with their tits, ass, vagina, or just sexy eye shots, leave them be (at least until I've had a chance to rub one out)..."
        That is all.
        Icon.



        "we've always known that van hagar fans are the stupidest people on the planet but my god! "

        Comment

        • Bob_R
          Full Member Status

          • Jan 2004
          • 3834

          Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He
          kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also
          had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to
          throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear
          guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one
          million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this
          pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished
          his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was
          one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered
          him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side
          unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that
          was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well
          I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter
          or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen, I don't want
          your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who
          pushed me in that WATER
          Talk Classic Rock - The Official Message Board For Classic Rock -- Now on XenForo!

          Comment

          • Flash Bastard

            Sesame Street Bus.... heard this one a few years ago. Still my favorite clean joke.....

            There was this guy who just got a new job as a school bus driver for elementary school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the school bus with characters from Sesame Street. So, he painted Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, The Cookie Monster and so forth. At his first stop, there was this very over-weight little girl. He opened the door and said, " Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The girl said that her name was Pattie.

            Waiting at the next stop was another over-weight little girl. He said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" She said that her name was Pattie also.

            At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The woman piped up and said, "His name is Ross and he is my son." She continued, "He is very, very special, so I want you to take extra good care of him." The bus driver replied, "No problem." "He can have this seat right behind me and I can watch him really good in the mirror."

            At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor little boy had problems walking because of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The little boy replied, "My name is Lester Cleese."

            Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to the school house, nearly driving the driver crazy. Later that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was.

            The man replied: Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus."

            Comment

            • Douglas T.
              Full Member Status

              • Nov 2005
              • 3875

              Well, it appears our African American friends have found something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston) reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian- sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African -American culture such as La Kisha, Chamiqua, Woeisha, and Jamal. I can hear it now: A black weatherman in Houston saying... "Wordup, Muthas! Herr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' Galveston like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit.

              Comment

              • jslav06
                Head Fluffer
                • Jan 2006
                • 444

                Very nice. Post 666 too.
                http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e67/jslav06/pbf.gif
                I rule because I make the Rules.

                Comment

                • Douglas T.
                  Full Member Status

                  • Nov 2005
                  • 3875

                  Originally posted by jslav06
                  Very nice. Post 666 too.
                  I didn't notice! Should have used a satan joke!

                  Comment

                  • blonddgirl777
                    ROCKSTAR

                    • Mar 2005
                    • 5805

                    What is a "Racing Blond"???





























                    A fake blond that didn't touch up her hair... yellow with 2 black stripes!
                    L.O.L.
                    http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e9...oman-movie.jpg
                    Originally posted by Nitro Express
                    ... What erases the linger of horniness more than Al Quaida? Then blondegirl can post some new hot dudes and stir a new wave of horniness...
                    Originally posted by Jérôme Frenchise
                    [B]... Cooking, I mean Cooking, is men's field...
                    http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e9...i_triangle.jpg
                    Originally posted by VanHalener
                    ... Fight the Good Fight and Win!...
                    Originally posted by FORD
                    ... And let's face it, if mothers (except Chelsea Clinton's) ruled this world, there would be no goddamned war in the first place...

                    Comment

                    • Keeyth
                      Crazy Ass Mofo
                      • Apr 2004
                      • 3010

                      > > A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my
                      daughter,
                      > > I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes,
                      and a
                      > > million dollar annual salary."
                      > >
                      > > The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
                      > >
                      > > The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.
                      > >
                      > > The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly,
                      she's
                      > > as dumb as a wall."
                      > >
                      > > The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
                      > >
                      > > The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and
                      build you
                      > > a mansion on Long Island."
                      > >
                      > > The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they
                      have
                      > > sex.
                      > >
                      > > About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's
                      about to
                      > > hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife,
                      "Bring me
                      > > a hammer."
                      > >
                      > > She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the
                      > > hammer.
                      > >
                      > > The guy says, "Get me some nails."
                      > >
                      > > She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some
                      > > nails.
                      > >
                      > > The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb,
                      and
                      > > he yells,
                      > >
                      > > "F@@@!"
                      > >
                      > > She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
                      > >
                      > >
                      Knowing and believing are two very different things.

                      It is the difference between the knowledge we accrue... ...and the knowledge we apply.

                      Comment

                      • RuzDNailz
                        Foot Soldier
                        • Nov 2004
                        • 655

                        How do you turn a beautiful fox into a cow? Marry it!

                        Comment

                        • RuzDNailz
                          Foot Soldier
                          • Nov 2004
                          • 655

                          Scene is in a village. A tribesman cannot fart and sees the big chief
                          about his anti-gas problem.

                          Tribesman: Big chief! No fart!
                          Big Chief: Go see witchdoctor!
                          (goes to the doctor)
                          WitchDoctor: You must eat 1 bowl of beans. (which he does)
                          (next day)
                          Tribesman: Big chief! No fart!
                          Big Chief: Go see doctor!
                          (goes back to the doctor)
                          WitchDoctor: You now eat 2 bowls of beans! (he eats both bowls)
                          (the next day)
                          Tribesman: Big chief! No fart!
                          Big Chief: Go back to doctor!
                          (goes again for the doctor)
                          WitchDoctor: You now eat 3 more bowls of beans! (eats them all)
                          (next day the Tribesman runs to the WitchDoctor)
                          Tribesman: Doctor! Doctor! Problem!
                          WitchDoctor: What now?
                          Tribesman: Big fart! No Chief!

                          Comment

                          • RuzDNailz
                            Foot Soldier
                            • Nov 2004
                            • 655

                            What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
                            "ummm! gumph! ug!"

                            Comment

                            • Ozzy Fudd
                              Veteran
                              • Jan 2004
                              • 1667

                              A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
                              and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

                              The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

                              Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

                              Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

                              After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,

                              "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
                              Roth Army MP
                              Originally posted by Panamark
                              Is there such a thing as a trailer park virgin?
                              or is that just a chick that can run faster than her father and brothers ??
                              Originally posted by BITEYOASS
                              She looks like someone I wake up to after a night of drinking. Or someone I'd bang so a buddy of mine can get her hotter friend.
                              Originally posted by JAY HALE
                              so how's about you stop lying, log off and go practice.

                              Comment

                              • RuzDNailz
                                Foot Soldier
                                • Nov 2004
                                • 655

                                A young man comes home from work and finds his new bride sliding down the banister butt naked. He asks her in shock 'hey honey! what are you doing?' She gets off the banister and simply replies 'Oh, I"m just warming up your dinner!'

                                Comment

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