Joke thread

[Coyote]

Before Bambi left for Texas, she confided to her city pals her three goals for the trip: to taste some Texas BBQ, to see a Texas rodeo, and to make love to a Texas cowboy.
As soon as she returned, the girls asked her how she fared. She replied, "Oh, they slow-cooked brisket over a wood called mesquite and it was so tasty! The rodeo was amazing: cowboys rode at full gallop, jumped off their horse, grabbed a bull by the horns, and threw it to the ground!"
"Yeah, but tell the rest! Did you make love to a Texas cowboy?" Bambi frowned. "No way! Not after I saw the size of the outline in the back pocket of their jeans. If they need condoms that big, well…"

[Douglas T.]

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out witha load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This
is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times...."

[Douglas T.]

An Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her
lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's
$20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta
affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o
Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[Jurak]

Bwahahahahaha....... nice one DT.....

A few words from the visionary Steven Wright:
--------------------------------------------------------

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

a few goodies.....

[Jurak]

My wife left me...



I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"



She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."



I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"



I don't think she'll be back....

[Jurak]

FOUR FRIENDS AT A PARTY

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years,
reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest
room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He
started working at a successful company at the bottom of the
barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to
climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the
company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a
top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
> >>>> >
> >>>> >The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is
also my pride and joy. He started working for a big
airline,then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son
studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he
started his own construction company and is now a
multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and
expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square
foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the
fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the
congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride
we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a
living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub, under the name RITETOOLFORJOB..."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a
disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my
son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000
square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes
from his three boyfriends."

[Jurak]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: .

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A New Wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[Northern Girl]

Voted Best Joke of the Year:

A guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Baby,
this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache".

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a
sheep, you idiot".

The guy says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you".

[Douglas T.]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guiness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

[Douglas T.]

My daughter is a member of the same sailing club as the host of a popular early-morning radio program. One evening at the club, she suggested to him that more frequent time checks should be given. "I get so interested in the people you're interviewing that I get frozen in time," she told him. "Then I suddenly realize I'm going to be late for work, because I'm still in the tub and it's 7:30."

The next morning, listeners to the program, including my daughter, were startled to hear this unusual time check following the news, sports and weather: "That brings the time to 7:15. Alice, get out of the bathtub."

[Ozzy Fudd]

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.




The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.




The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive ; with NO memory




The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting




The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy




The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did




The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back




The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes




The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB




The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted




The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care




The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files




The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy... then discards it through Windows

[Jurak]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each others
likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some
tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent
my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job,
and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece
of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[Jurak]

The Tax Inspector


At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an
inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was
checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and
said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles.What do you do
with the candle drippings?"

Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up
and send them back to the candle makers, and every now
and then they send us a free box of candles."

Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that
his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he
went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit
purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the
inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable
question. "We collect them and send them back to the
manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box
of holy biscuits."

I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how
he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he
went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from
the circumcisions you perform?"

Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to
the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a
complete dick."

[Jurak]

Hillary Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, she asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying you was blown up by a bomb, it would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Hillary beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

[Bob_R]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee met him at the door. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words", he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."

"The breakfast was my idea," she added.