Poetry Corner

[flappo]

there was a young lady from ealing
who had a peculiar feeling
she slipped on the deck
and twisted her neck
then pissed all over the ceiling

[flappo]

THE LYRICS:
There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his balls like a dahlia.
Tuppence a smell
Was all very well
But thruppence a lick was a failure.

CHORUS:
That was a terrible song,
Sing us another one
Just like the other one
Sing us another one do!

There once was a local called Land
Who had a quite limber right hand.
One night he screamed,
'That damn Vaseline,
Some bastard has mixed it with sand!'

THE OTHER VERSES (saving the worst for last):
There was a young man called Neil
Who claimed his todger was like a huge eel.
For girls in the dark
Havin' a lark
Twas only an elver they'd feel.

There was a young lady called Toyah
Who asked her old man to enjoy her.
He said, 'I'd much rather peep
'Up the arse of a sheep.'
What a dirty, old lecherous voyeur!

There was a young man from Montrose
Who had a wet dream I suppose.
The landlady said,
As she changed his bed,
'This didn't come out of his nose.'

There was a young hooker from Looe
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
'If they pay to get in,
'They can pay to get out of here, too!'

There was a young girl from Divizes
Who had tits that were two different sizes.
One was quite small
Hardly anything at all,
But the other was big and won prizes.

There was a young man from 'Arrow
Whose tool was like a vegetable marrow.
He said to his tart,
'Take this for a start,
'And me balls will be along in a barrow.'

There was a young girl from Khartoum
Who took a nancy boy up to her room.
She said, 'Now, my dear,
'Let's get one thing quite clear:
'Who does what-and when-and to whom.'

There was a bobbie from up Clapham Junction
Whose prick had long ceased to function.
All the years of his life
He pleasured his wife
With snot on the end of his truncheon.

There was a young fellow from Buckingham
Who stood on a bridge at Uckingham
Watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em.

There was a young sailor called Dave
Who kept a dead 'ore in a cave
It took him some pluck
To have a cold fuck
But think of the money he saved!

There once was a girl from Penlochrie
Who had sex with a man on a rockery
She said, 'Oh, you've cum.
'All over my bum.
'This isn't a fuck. It's a mockery.'

There was a young girl from Penzance
Who boarded a bus in a trance
A passenger fucked her
And so'd the conductor
The driver shot off in his pants.

There was a young man from Wales
Whose yachting technique never fails.
He dines on baked beans
And plenty of greens,
And his farts put the wind in the sails.

There was a young man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
Within an hour
His cock was in flower,
And his balls were all covered with weeds.

There once was a vampire named Mabel
Whose periods were rather unstable.
One night at full moon,
She took out a spoon
And drank herself under the table.

There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
Wiping spunk off his chin,
'If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.'

[Rikk]

Originally posted by flappo
there was a young man from tralass
whose balls were made out of brass
in stormy weather
they clanged together
and sparks flew out of his arse

Ah yes. Yes!:D

There was an American with stinky habits.
He stubbed his toe and he screamed, "Dagnabbit!"
He never took a shower,
he killed many a flower.
His wife was so angry and he had to grab it!

[flappo]

there was an old lady from china
who went for a trip on a liner
she slipped on the deck
and twisted her neck
and now she can see right behind her

[flappo]

the ALL TIME classic

The Ballad of Eskimo Nell


Gather 'round, all you whorey,
Gather 'round, and hear my story.

When a man grows old and his balls grow cold,
And the tip of his prick turns blue;
When it bends in the middle like a one-string fiddle,
He can tell you a tale or two.
So pull up a chair and stand me a drink,
And a tale to you I'll tell
About Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
And a harlot named Eskimo Nell.

When Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Go forth in search of fun,
It's Dead-Eye Dick that swings the prick,
And Mexican Pete the gun.
When Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Are sore, depressed and sad,
It's always a cunt that bears the brunt,
But the shooting's not so bad.

Now Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Lived down by Dead Man's Creek,
And such was their luck that they'd had no fuck
For nigh on half a week.
Oh, a moose or two, and a caribou,
And a bison cow or so,
But for Dead-Eye Dick with his kingly prick,
This fucking was mighty slow.

Dick pound on his cock with a huge piece of rock,
And he said, "I want to play!,
It's been almost a week at this fucking creek,
With no cunt coming my way!"
So, do or dare, this horny pair
Set off for the Rio Grande:
Dead-Eye Dick with his kingly prick,
And Pete with his gun in hand.

Then, as they blazed their noisy trail,
No man, their path withstood.
Many a bride, her husband's pride,
A pregnant widow stood.
They reached the strand of the Rio Grand
At the height of a blazing noon.
To slake their thirst, and do their worst,
They sought Black Mike's saloon.

The swinging doors they pushed back wide,
Both prick and gun flashed free.
"According to sex, you bleeding wrecks,
You'll drink or you'll fuck with me!"
Now, they'd heard of the prick of Dead-Eye Dick,
From the Yukon to Panama,
So, with scarcely worse than a muttered curse,
The fellows all sought the bar.

When Dick walked in to a house of sin,
The whores all cursed their luck,
Not even a tart dared let out a fart,
When he said - "I want to fuck!"
The girls they knew of his playful ways
Down on the Rio Grande,
And forty whores pulled down their drawers
At Dead-eye Dick's command.

For they saw the finger of Mexican Pete
Move on the trigger grip,
So they didn't wait and at a fearful rate
Those whores began to strip.
Now, Dead-Eye Dick was breathing quick
With lecherous snorts and grunts,
So forty butts were bared to view,
And likewise forty cunts.

Now, forty butts and forty cunts,
If you can use your wits,
And if you're slick, at arithmetic,
Makes exactly eighty tits.
Sure, eighty tits are a gladsome sight
For a man with a raging stand.
It may be rare in Berkeley Square,
But not on the Rio Grande!

Now Dead-Eye Dick had fucked a few
On the last preceding night,
This he had done just to have some fun
And to whet his appetite.
His phallic limb was in fucking trim.
As he backed and took a run,
He made a dart at the nearest tart,
and scored a hole in one.

The lady he bore to the dusty floor,
And there he filled her fine,
And though she grinned, it put the wind
Up the other thirty-nine.
When Dead-Eye Dick lets loose his prick,
He has no time to spare,
With speed and strength, combined with length,
He fairly singes hair.

He had made a dart at the next fair tart,
When into that harlot's hell
Strode a gentle maid who was unfraid:
Her name was Eskimo Nell.
But Dead-Eye Dick had got his prick
Well into number two,
When Eskimo Nell let out a yell.
She bawled to him, "Hey, you!"

Dick gave a flick of his muscular prick,
And the girl flew over his head,
He then wheeled about with an angry shout;
His face and his balls were red.
Nell glanced our hero up and down,
His looks she seemed to decry.
With utter scorn, she sneered at the horn
Which rose from his hairy thigh.

She blew the smoke of her cigarette
All over his steaming knob.
So utterly beat was Mexican Pete
That he failed to do his job.
It was Eskimo Nell who broke the spell
In accents clear and cool:
"You cunt-struck shrimp of a Yankee pimp!
You call that thing a tool?

"If this here town can't take that down,"
She said to those cowering whores,
"There's another cunt that can do the stunt,
But it Eskimo Nell's, not yours."
She dropped her garments one by one
With an air of consumate pride,
And as she stood in her womanhood,
They saw the Great Divide.

She seated herself on a table top,
Where someone had left a glass.
With a twitch of her tits, she crushed it to bits
Between the cheeks of her ass.
She flexed her knees with supple ease,
And spread her thighs apart.
With a friendly nod to the mangy sod,
She gave him the cue to start.

Now, Dead-Eye Dick knew more than one trick,
And he meant to take his time,
For a woman like this was orgasmic bliss,
So he played the pantomime.
He flexed his asshole to and fro,
And made his balls inflate,
Until they looked like the granite knobs
On the top of a palace gate.

He blew his anus inside out,
His balls increased in size,
His mighty prick grew twice as thick
And reached almost to his eyes.
He polished his dick with alcohol,
Then, to make it steaming hot,
He finished the job, when he sprinkled his knob
With a cayenne pepperpot.

Then he did neither start to run
Nor did he take a leap,
Nor did he stoop, but with a swoop
Began a steady, forward creep.
As a marksman might, he took a sight
Along his mighty tool,
And his steady grin as he pushed it in
Showed a calculated cool.

Have you ever seen the pistons
On the mighty C.P.R.,
With the driving force of a thousand horse?
Well, then you know what pistons are.
Or, you think you do, but you've yet to see
The ins and outs of the trick
Of the work that's done on a non-stop run
By a fellow like Dead-Eye Dick.

But Eskimo Nell was no infidel,
As good as a whole harem
With the strength of ten in her abdomen
And the Rock of Ages between.
With nary a scream, she could take the stream
Like the flush of a watercloset.
Now, she gripped his cock like a Chatswood Lock
On the National Safe Deposit.

But Dead-Eye Dick would not come quick,
He meant to conserve his powers,
For if he'd a mind, he'd grind and grind
For sixteen solid hours.
Nell lay a while with a subtle smile,
Then the grip of her cunt grew keener,
And a squeeze of her thigh then sucked him dry
With the ease of a vacuum cleaner.

She performed this trick in a way so slick
As to set in complete defiance
The principal cause and basic laws
That govern sexual science.
She calmly rode through the phallic code
Which for years had withstood the test,
And the ancient rules of the classic schools
In a moment or two, went west.

Right here, my friend, we come to the end
Of copulation's classic:
The effect on Dick was sudden and quick
And akin to an anaesthetic.
He fell to the floor, and he knew no more,
His passions extinct and dead,
Nor did he shout as his cock fell out,
Though 'twas stripped right down to a thread.

Then, Mexican Pete did leap to his feet
To avenge his pal's affront,
With a jarring jolt of his blue-nosed Colt,
He rammed it up Nellie's cunt.
He rammed it hard to the trigger guard,
Then fired two times three,
But to his surprise, Nell closed her eyes
And smiled in ecstacy.

She rose to her feet with a smile so sweet,
Then "Bully," she said, "for you.
Though I might have guessed that that was the best
That you two poor pimps could do.
"When next, my friend, that you intend
To sally forth for fun,
Buy Dead-Eye Dick a sugar stick,
And yourself an elephant gun.

"I'm going forth to the frozen North
Where the peckers are hard and strong,
Back to the land of the frozen stand
Where the nights are six months long.
"It's hard as tin when they put it in
In the land where spunk is spunk.
Not a trickling stream of lukewarm cream,
But a solid, frozen chunk.

"Back to the land where they understand
What it means to fornicate,
Where even the dead sleep two in a bed
And the babies masturbate.
"Back to the land of the grinding gland,
Where the walrus plays with his prong,
Where the polar bear wanks off in his lair,
That's where they'll sing this song.

"They'll tell this tale on the Arctic trail
Where the nights are sixty below,
Where it's so damn cold the jonnies are sold
Wrapped up in a ball of snow.
"In the Valley of Death with baited breath,
That's where they'll sing it too,
Where the skeletons rattle in sexual battle
And the rotting corpses screw.

"Back to the land where men are Men,
I'll say 'Terra Bellicum,'
And there I'll spend my worthy end,
For the North is calling: 'Come!'"
Then Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Slunk away from the Rio Grande,
Dead-Eye Dick with his useless prick,
And Pete with no gun in his hand.

When a man grows old and his balls grow cold,
And the tip of his prick turns blue,
And the hole in the middle refuses to piddle,
I'd say he was fucked, wouldn't you?

[Rikk]

There was an old salesman from Greece.
His wife always had to lie beneath.
He went and got pussy,
cuz he was so damn fussy,
'til she shot off his dick with a piece.

[flappo]

another classic

'Twas on the good ship Venus,
By Christ you should have seen us;
The figurehead
Was a whore in bed
Sucking a dead man's penis.
The captain's name was Lugger.
By Christ he was a bugger.
He wasn't fit
To shovel shit
From one ship to another.

The first mate's name was Carter.
By God he was a farter.
When the wind wouldn't blow,
And the ship wouldn't go,
Carter the farter would start 'er.

The second mate's name was Hopper.
By God he had a whopper;
Twice round the deck,
Thrice round his neck,
And up his arse for a stopper.

The second mate was Andy,
By Christ he had a dandy,
Till they crushed his cock
On a jagged rock
For coming in the brandy.

The third mate's name was Morgan,
By god he was a gorgon,
From half past eight
he played till late,
Upon the captain's organ.

The captain's wife was Mabel,
And by God was she able
To give the crew
Their daily screw
Upon the galley table.

The captain's daughter Charlotte,
Was born and bred a harlot,
Her thighs at night
were lily white,
By morning they were scarlet.

The cabin boy was Kipper,
By Christ he was a nipper.
He stuffed his arse
with broken glass
And circumcised the skipper.

The captain's lovely daughter
Liked swimming in the water.
Delighted squeals
Came when some eels
Swam into her sexual quarters.

The cook his name was Freeman,
He was a dirty demon,
He fed the crew
On menstral stew
And hymens fried in semen.

The ship's dog's name was Rover,
We turned that poor thing over,
And ground and ground
that faithful hound
From Tenerife to Dover.

And when we reached our station,
Through skillful navigation,
The ship got sunk
in a wave of spunk,
From too much fornication.

Alternatives

The captain's name was Morgan,
By Christ he was a gorgon.
Ten times a day
He'd stop and play
With his fucking organ.
The first mate's name was Carter.
By God he was a farter.
He could fart anything
from God Save the King
To Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.









The captain's daughter, Mabel,
Though young, was fresh and able,
To fornicate
with the second mate,
Upon the chartroom table.

[flappo]

there once was a man from Bengahal
who liked to perform in a hall
his favorite trick
was to stand on his dick
and roll off the stage on one ball

[flappo]

On Viagra was old man Muldoon,
When he went on his third honeymoon.
Morning coffee was brewin',
When he started in screwin',
And he finished at twelve o'clock noon.

[flappo]

'There once was a vampire called mable
whose periods were very unstable
Once every full moon,
She took out a spoon,
And drank herself under the table'

[flappo]

There once was a fellow named Kent
Whose Coleridge was so long that it bent
To save himself trouble
He stuck it in doubled
And instead of cumming... he went

[sylvia73]

Originally posted by flappo
There once was a fellow named Kent
Whose Coleridge was so long that it bent
To save himself trouble
He stuck it in doubled
And instead of cumming... he went

I'm really concerned about you, Flappo. I really am. You may get yourself voted out.

[flappo]

voted out of what ?

any club that would have me as a member , i don't wish to join

[Panamark]

There was a young man from Hosham,
Who took out his balls to Wash em,
His mother said Jack, if you dont put them back,
I'll jump on the fuckers and squash em !!

[Panamark]

There was a young girl from Mitcham,
who was scrathing her snatch in the Kitchen,
Her Mother said Rose, Crabs I suppose ?
She said yeah, the fuckers are itchin !!