The Battle of GOAT Hill

[vandeleur]

you're a ginger?

Nah he is a red head , no hair just a red head

[cadaverdog]

you're a ginger?

Aye. My real name is Sheamus. Borderline I guess. My hair was reddish blond when I was born and got lighter until it turned a charcoalish color a few years ago.

[Anonymous]

Part II: GOAT Hill is Born

The sound of a distant cowbell echoed through the streets of Ross Amy, where the Handsome Stranger & the Evil bartender stood, the stranger’s hand & the bartender’s balloon like paw hovering above their .45s.

The melodious sound was joined by another cowbell, and another, and another, one by one until the still, oppressive air was filled with the dulcet tones of a hundred thousand cowbells clanging in alternate rhythm, a heavenly symphony fit for the gods themselves.

Far, far away, a producer stopped dead in his tracks, turned his head in the direction of the sound & proclaimed, a single tear running down his cheek, “This. This is enough cowbell.”

* * * * *

Inside the Saloon, the Hero Who Built the Town, completely oblivious to what was going on, raised his head from his carefully crafted list, kicked back the chair & ran to the door, a single thought filling his entire mind. He was going to build a new town.

For this, he needed help. And money. Lots & lots of cold, hard cash. Only one man in town could help him. And there was only one place that man could be at this hour – having tea with every single married woman in town.

The Hero rushed to the Tea Parlor & urgently knocked on the door. His dream could not wait. The foundation was already laid in his mind, a foundation that some would call insane. Others would call the federal authorities & have him committed. But the Hero knew he was on to something.

From behind the door, a familiar voice rang out. Many were the times that voice & the Hero’s own could be heard all over town, proclaiming all sorts of far-fetched accomplishments to the four winds, each & every outlandish claim punctuated with a hearty “Woooooooo”. This time, the voice was much more subdued, although the claims were still outrageous. “I have already serviced fourteen of you this afternoon”, was heard weakly on the other side of the door “I do plan on going through another dozen or so before I retire for the night, but you must give me some time, woman!”

“Shut the fuck up & get out of there” the Hero shouted, the urgency in his voice unmistakable “There’s no time for more crumpet. We have a town to build!”

The door opened & out came what could only be described as a true Southern gentleman. His skin bronzed to perfection from many afternoons of mowing the lawn & riding to General Mart on his convertible coach, his eyes steady & penetrating from years of shootin’ & a hollerin’ in his backyard, a gold Rolex the size of a hubcap in his delicate, feminine wrist & the prettiest pair of shoes you could ever hope to see. Seriously, they were red glass slippers with the cutest frilly bow on top. They were adorable! To die for!

“Hang on,” the Southern Businessman said “I’ve got to sneeze. Hand me that bowl”. The Hero promptly handed the Businessman the bowl, whereupon the latter one sneezed, several particles of gold coming out of his nostrils at lightning speed, a remnant of all the years he had toiled as a youngster in the gold mine that built the foundation of his immeasurable wealth. He had breathed in so much gold dust that each of his sneezes was worth a thousand dollars. He had scraped those walls so much that every time he clipped his nails, trimmed his beard or shaved his golden hair, the resultant litter was worth more than any single person could hope to earn in one lifetime.

“Now, what’s this about a new town”, the Businessman asked “Is this another one of your hare-brained ideas? Let’s do it!” “It’s not a hare-brained idea!” The excitement of the Hero could scarcely be contained. “This town that I built myself many years ago has been plundered & raped by the filthy Blue Coated lackeys of the Malevolent bartender. It’s time we start anew elsewhere. A Land of absolute Freedom, where the Brave can make their Home. And we will do it up in Goat Hill, where this creepy vagrant had his balls bounced in the hand of that huge cowboy. You’ll cough up for the land – literally – and cover every expense, including my future Vodka-fueled, nonsensical attacks on Ross Amy.”

“Sounds reasonable enough” was the reply of the Businessman. And in truth, it was. “Shall we take someone else with us?” “I’ll post some bills around town. My new town, which I shall call Goat Town, will be open to everybody, even the blue coats. But they will not be allowed to wield any powers. This will assure that the Malignant Corruption that eats at Ross Amy from within will have no hold over Goat Town.”

And with that, they ran off into the street, where they met the town’s Fence-sitter. “You there, Fence-sitter” called the Hero “Will you join us in our adventure?” “I might”, was the hesitant reply “buy I’ll keep my own home here, if that’s ok. I can’t make my mind up for shit. Besides, you’re gonna fail again and again, and I don’t want to move my stuff pointlessly. I have a donkey, but he can’t carry me and my stuff at the same time.” “I’ll join you”, came a cry for behind them. It was the Underdog. “I have nothing left for me here, so I might as well be a nuisance somewhere else. Who knows? Maybe I’ll stop being a bitter old cun… coot & start behaving like a proper human being. It’s not impossible.”

Hope swelled within the Hero’s chest. “Things are starting to shape up, eh Businessman? We’ll have our Town up in no time! Hang on, what’s going on over there? It seems the Beastly bartender is having an argument with the Flawless Stranger. Let’s have a look.”

* * * * *

The Heavenly Stranger looked down at the Depraved bartender. “Is this the best you can do, buddy? Aren’t you man enough to take me one on one?” He was sure this was all a misunderstanding. The Abhorrent bartender would come to his sense, they’d trade a few good-natured insults, & be on their merry way as if nothing ever happened. Instead, the Villain refused to back down & continued piling his low blows on the Stranger, each attempt growing more & more desperate. He knew he had fucked up, but Heaven forbid he’d ever admit his fault. Maybe if he fucked up long enough, no one would notice.

The Stranger grew worried. The Gormless cronies began pouring out into the streets. At first, they were simply trying to separate the two antagonists, but the Stranger knew that eventually blind, misguided loyalties would take over the field. Already the Australian was grabbing the bartender’s cock with one hand and aiming his gun at the Stranger with the other.

There was nothing left to do. The field was lost. Wise beyond mere human comprehension, knowing he could not possibly take on the whole band of miscreants alone, and aware that many of them didn’t deserve his justified wrath to begin with, the Astonishing Stranger jumped in his incredibly high horse & with a heavy heart, announced his departure. “If that’s what you want… so be it. You will not hear of me again” A cry rang out behind the Stranger, “Head for Goat Hill!”

Not bothering to turn back to see who had shouted, the Stranger rode out of Ross Amy, no longer with a heavy heart. He had a destination.

Goat Hill.

[Anonymous]

Well, that was intense. And cathartic.

I apologise in advance. I am quite aware there aren't nearly enough laughs in this part - although there a couple of good ones that I'm particularly fond of - but, for me at least, this was the darkest, less funny part of the whole saga. So I hadn't much to work with.

The next part should be much, much lighter, as the plot thickens, more important characters make their first appearance, & the whole overall tone shifts to pure, unabated silliness.

We've got this!

EDIT: I would ask someone with the power to do so, to put up this link in the first post:

[ URL="http://www.rotharmy.com/forums/showthread.php?72102-The-Battle-of-GOAT-Hill&p=1886679&viewfull=1#post1886679"]Link to Part II: GOAT Hill is Born[/URL]

It's obviously broken so that it can be more easily copied & edited into said post. Thanks in advance.

Cheers!

[chefcraig]

Sweet, Tap-Dancing Baby Jeebus, not since Willie Nelson released "Red Headed Stranger" or the ancient "Wild, Wild West" or "The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr". tv shows have I been more enthralled with a western-themed plot.

More. Yes I said it, MORE! NOW!

Ride on the Magnificent Seven!

Nicely done, my friend.

[chefcraig]

EDIT: I would ask someone with the power to do so, to put up this link in the first post:

[ URL="http://www.rotharmy.com/forums/showthread.php?72102-The-Battle-of-GOAT-Hill&p=1886679&viewfull=1#post1886679"]Link to Part II: GOAT Hill is Born[/URL]

It's obviously broken so that it can be more easily copied & edited into said post. Thanks in advance.

Cheers!

I think I managed it, but remember, I'm a fumble-fingers at best and a drunkard at worst.

[Anonymous]

Sweet, Tap-Dancing Baby Jeebus, not since Willie Nelson released "Red Headed Stranger" or the ancient "Wild, Wild West" or "The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr". tv shows have I been more enthralled with a western-themed plot.

More. Yes I said it, MORE! NOW!

Ride on the Magnificent Seven!

Nicely done, my friend.

You dare to compare my pitiful attempt at story-twist... er, telling to The Prodigious Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.?

I cannot, will not, in good conscience accept such praise. You must be misremembering The Greatest Television Series of All Time in the Known & Unknown Universe.

I am forever thankful for your consideration, my Friend.

Cheers!

[PETE'S BROTHER]

are Donnie p and zah both the businessman? seemed like an amalgam

[Anonymous]

are Donnie p and zah both the businessman? seemed like an amalgam

No no, each character is a separate entity, there are no amalgamations. While the Businessman is not exactly a spring chicken, he's not decrepit yet, either.

Notice that my reply is NOT a confirmation of the Businessman's identity.

I refuse to use names because they're personal info. I wouldn't want to be banned for something as ridiculous as a misunderstanding of a friendly, good-natured joke.

Cheers!

[Anonymous]

I think I managed it, but remember, I'm a fumble-fingers at best and a drunkard at worst.

Good enough, Chef!

Thank you!

Man, all this almost makes me feel bad for the part you'll eventually have to play in the story.

BUTT! The truth cannot be raped & put away bleeding wet, not even for a good friendship. I hope that you'll forgive me & understand. In any case, you're gonna come out on top & smelling of roses, not because *I* choose to, but because *YOU* chose to.

I think you'll agree the destination will be worth the trip.

Cheers!

[Anonymous]

I will pull no punches. Not even towards my favourite character, the Handsome Stranger. Of course, for some reason, it's very easy for me to understand & therefore explain this particular character's motivations, so it may appear that I am playing favourites.

Let me lay these suspicions to rest in front of everybody, right now. The Handsome Stranger is a rotten bastard. He has this weird superiority complex that causes him to inadvertently look down on others for absolutely no discernible or logical reason. He can be a vicious, mean-spirited bastard that will hold a grudge well into his grave, no matter how pathetic the slight may have been. But he's a man of his word & never betrayed any trust placed on him. Even if it's from those he doesn't like simply due to his aforementioned superiority complex.

Cheers!

[vandeleur]

Very very funny but I do hope I get a percentage of the profits ...
You know based on a vandy magnificent 7 post

[Anonymous]

Very very funny but I do hope I get a percentage of the profits ...
You know based on a vandy magnificent 7 post

That's extortion! You tossed that idea like a spent, sticky hooker. It never, for one second, crossed your tiny mind that someone would take that hooker, wash & groom her, marry the whore & turn her into this magnificent goddess that you now see before you.

And now you want her back? Screw you!

Hang on, did I just make a metaphor where I married one of your sloppy seconds? I need to start thinking these things through.

Cheers!

[chefcraig]

Good enough, Chef!

Thank you!

Man, all this almost makes me feel bad for the part you'll eventually have to play in the story.

BUTT! The truth cannot be raped & put away bleeding wet, not even for a good friendship. I hope that you'll forgive me & understand. In any case, you're gonna come out on top & smelling of roses, not because *I* choose to, but because *YOU* chose to.

I think you'll agree the destination will be worth the trip.

Cheers!

Lay it out, brother. After the life I've led, I have far too much to apologize for. All of my poorly (or not even) thought out actions are of public record, so even a fictionalized account will not change the cold, hard fact that I am a complete and utterly despicable bonehead.

Roth On! And may the force be with you.

[vandeleur]

Ima am not denying your obvious genius in this wonderful creation am just glad to be part of the show .
Expect a letter from my lawyers screwem, Goode and hard in 5-7 days