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Here's another clever piece from this douchebag writer-wannabe - Chuck Klosterfuck
It has been brought to my attention that Mountain Dew can dissolve a mouse.
This information comes not from some rival beverage critic, but from PepsiCo itself: In an attempt to get out of a lawsuit, the manufactures of Mountain Dew are suggesting that — if a mouse were somehow trapped inside a bottle of Dew — the rodent would be turned into a gelatinous, unrecognizable blob. If true, such evidence would contradict the accusation of Ronald Ball, a Wisconsin man who claims to have purchased a Mountain Dew at a vending machine and found a dead mouse inside the bottle.
As someone who’s consumed 16 to 32 ounces of Mountain Dew almost every single day for the past 21 years, I found this news unnecessarily salacious. Honestly, I’ve experienced no ill effects from my over-the-top Mountain Dew consumption, except that I’m kind of fat and pretty crazy and I can never sleep (even though I’m always tired). I’m sipping one right now, and it’s making me temporarily invincible. I’m not gonna lie — I feel awesome. I feel more awesome than you, in all probability. Which prompts me to consider a counter-narrative to this atypical Mountain Dew controversy: How do we know it’s not good for us to drink mouse-dissolving acid?
If you’re a serious Mountain Dew drinker, you’re probably also the eater of many processed, non-organic foods. Perhaps you’re also a compulsive worrier and a functioning alcoholic. Maybe you sometimes eat things that aren’t technically food, like napkins (a surprisingly easy mistake to make, particularly when eating a hot dog inside an unusually dark movie theater in suburban Atlanta). There’s just no way the natural gastric acid inside your stomach can compete with today’s ultra-aggressive, hyper-modern “super foods.” Your tummy needs a supplement. And that’s where Mountain Dew thrives. With its advanced mouse-eroding electrolytes, Mountain Dew can destroy what your body cannot. You know what I never get? I never get food poisoning. Ever. I don’t get food poisoning when I eat poison. There’s no way this is a coincidence. There’s something sloshing around inside me that generates a secret kind of power, and that something is green and sweet and designed for extreme skateboard enthusiasts. I will never stop drinking Mountain Dew. I don’t care if it starts dissolving the very aluminum cans that house its existential refreshment. I will live forever, or at least until I’m 45.
Also, semi-related: Fuck you, Ronald Ball. Maybe liquefied mice are delicious?
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you aint backpeddling out of this one buddy.Comment
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That is the lowest of the low!!!Comment
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ADKOT is just so damn great, I have played this over 50 times yes i work in sales and a lot of traveling and each day have a new favorite... Fucking classic .... Just read Malcom Dome"s review @ classic rock magazine he is a bitter old man..
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Actually I really enjoyed Chuck"s book Fargo Rock City... Just sayingComment
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Blah blah blah......
Bumper sticker on a rocket's ass. Go home, the Earth is fullllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.. ....................Fuck Scott Weiland. Fucking asshole. I get trashed all the time and still go to work. And my job sucks ass. -ODShowtimeComment
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Perhaps we should all move somewhere like China where freedom of speech is greatly curtailed and all dissent is crushed. Once there, we could at last enjoy the limitations of living in a world where our fellow humans were not permitted to freely express their opinions in public. We would also be shielded from such offensive material by strict censorship of the Internet and all other forms of media. Ahhhhh... Just like living in paradise....Comment
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poof^^^Comment
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