Joke thread

[Bob_R]

The Challenge
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!"

[Bob_R]

Indian Custom
One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."

[Bob_R]

Ice Cream
A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom : "Now what do I do?"
Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."

[Bob_R]

Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured
she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they
were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned
on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent
bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of
these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[Bob_R]

A Wal-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX, where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband...

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," so she goes to the fourth floor, and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, loves kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" So she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted she goes to the sixth floor and sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart's Husband Store.

[Bob_R]

On a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a
severe storm. The turbulence is awful and things go
from bad to worse when one wing is struck by
lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she
stands up in the front of the plane "I'm too young
to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I
want my last minutes
on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this
plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?!" For a moment there is
silence. Everyone has
forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted,
at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the
plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark
brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly
up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt....... One
button at a time...................... No one
moves............................. He removes
his shirt........... Muscles ripple across his chest....... She
gasps......................... He whispers,...........

"Iron this - and then get me a beer."

[Keeyth]

First-year students at a Medical School were receiving
their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered
around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In
medicine, it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The
first, is that
you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck
his finger in
the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his
mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out! They hesitated for several
minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the
dead body and
sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and
told them, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in
my middle
finger, but I sucked on my index finger. Now, learn to
pay attention."

[Keeyth]

ewww!!

[Anonymous]

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A man standing in line at the grocery store checkout was surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her a "Who are you?" look, but couldn't remember ever having seen her before. She noticed his look and assumed she had made a mistake. "I'm sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children." She took her change and left the store. The man was dumbfounded. "What's the world coming to? How can a woman not remember who fathered her children?" But then he thought, "Maybe, just maybe, during some wild college party..." so he ran after her and caught her in the parking lot. "Wait a minute. Are you the girl from that college party where we got really drunk and had sex on the pool table in front of everybody?" "No!" she said with a horrified look. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

Why don't San Francisco blondes wear miniskirts? Because when the wind blows too hard, their balls show!

A blonde brought her car into the dealership to request "a new 710." The parts clerk asked, "A 710? What's a 710?" She replied, "You know, that little thingie in the middle of the engine. I lost mine and want a new one." "A new what?" "I don't know, but it's always been there." He walked her over to another car with its hood up. "So, do you see a 710 on this car?" The blonde huffed indignantly, pointed, and said, "Of course. Right there!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Bob_R]

MEXICAN EARTHQUAKE

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America!

[Anonymous]

Why is a deer herd so wealthy? Because it's nothing but doe and bucks!

FOX-FM in Sydney, Australia has a game where a DJ phones a couple, asks them three questions, and, if their answers agree, gives them a nice vacation. But one particular exchange stands out: DJ: "Hey! This is FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match?'" Contestant (laughing): "Yes, I have." DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast. What's your name? First name only, please." Contestant: "Brian." DJ: "Brian, are you married?" Brian (laughing nervously): "Yes." DJ: "What's your wife's name? First only, please." Brian: "Sarah." DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?" Brian: "She's gonna kill me." DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian. Is she at work?" Brian (laughing): "Yes, she's at work." DJ: "Okay, first question: When was the last time you had sex?" Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning." DJ: "Attaboy, Brian." Brian laughs sheepishly. DJ: "Second question: How long did it last?" Brian: "About 10 minutes." DJ: "Wow! You really want to win that trip! No one would admit that without a trip at stake." Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice." DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex this morning?" Brian (laughing hard): "I, um, err, well…" DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where?" Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks." DJ: "Uh huh." Brian: "And the mother-in-law was in the shower at the time." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: "On the kitchen table." DJ: "Not that great? This is better than the previous hundred times I've done this! Okay, folks, I'm going to put Brian on hold, get Sarah's number and call her while you listen to this." [Three minutes of commercials.] DJ: "Okay, audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones, ringing.) Voice: "Kinko's." DJ: "Is Sarah around there somewhere?" Voice: "This is she." DJ: "Sarah, this is FOX-FM. We're live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian, who's on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you'll lose. So, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match?'" Sarah: "No." DJ: "Good!" Brian laughs. Sarah (laughing): "Brian, what in the hell are you up to now?" Brian (laughing): "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest." DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Now, I will ask you three questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the two of you will be off to the Gold Coast on us. Sarah (laughing): "Yes." DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?" Sarah: "Oh, God, Brian! Uh, this morning before Brian went to work." DJ: "What time?" Sarah: "Around 8?" DJ: "Very good. Second question: How long did it last?" Sarah: "12, 15 minutes, maybe." DJ: "Hmm. Close enough. She's just trying to protect his manhood. One last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?" Sarah (laughing): "Yes." DJ: "Where did you have it?" Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?" Brian: "Just tell him the truth, honey." DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?" Sarah: "Well…" DJ: "Come on, Sarah. Where did you have it?" Sarah: "Up the arse…" After what seemed like a minute of dead air, the DJ spluttered, "Folks, we'll be right back after this station break!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Sarge's Little Helper]

Why is a deer herd so wealthy? Because it's nothing but doe and bucks!

FOX-FM in Sydney, Australia has a game where a DJ phones a couple, asks them three questions, and, if their answers agree, gives them a nice vacation. But one particular exchange stands out: DJ: "Hey! This is FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match?'" Contestant (laughing): "Yes, I have." DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast. What's your name? First name only, please." Contestant: "Brian." DJ: "Brian, are you married?" Brian (laughing nervously): "Yes." DJ: "What's your wife's name? First only, please." Brian: "Sarah." DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?" Brian: "She's gonna kill me." DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian. Is she at work?" Brian (laughing): "Yes, she's at work." DJ: "Okay, first question: When was the last time you had sex?" Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning." DJ: "Attaboy, Brian." Brian laughs sheepishly. DJ: "Second question: How long did it last?" Brian: "About 10 minutes." DJ: "Wow! You really want to win that trip! No one would admit that without a trip at stake." Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice." DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex this morning?" Brian (laughing hard): "I, um, err, well…" DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where?" Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks." DJ: "Uh huh." Brian: "And the mother-in-law was in the shower at the time." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: "On the kitchen table." DJ: "Not that great? This is better than the previous hundred times I've done this! Okay, folks, I'm going to put Brian on hold, get Sarah's number and call her while you listen to this." [Three minutes of commercials.] DJ: "Okay, audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones, ringing.) Voice: "Kinko's." DJ: "Is Sarah around there somewhere?" Voice: "This is she." DJ: "Sarah, this is FOX-FM. We're live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian, who's on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you'll lose. So, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match?'" Sarah: "No." DJ: "Good!" Brian laughs. Sarah (laughing): "Brian, what in the hell are you up to now?" Brian (laughing): "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest." DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Now, I will ask you three questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the two of you will be off to the Gold Coast on us. Sarah (laughing): "Yes." DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?" Sarah: "Oh, God, Brian! Uh, this morning before Brian went to work." DJ: "What time?" Sarah: "Around 8?" DJ: "Very good. Second question: How long did it last?" Sarah: "12, 15 minutes, maybe." DJ: "Hmm. Close enough. She's just trying to protect his manhood. One last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?" Sarah (laughing): "Yes." DJ: "Where did you have it?" Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?" Brian: "Just tell him the truth, honey." DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?" Sarah: "Well…" DJ: "Come on, Sarah. Where did you have it?" Sarah: "Up the arse…" After what seemed like a minute of dead air, the DJ spluttered, "Folks, we'll be right back after this station break!"

Cheers! :bottle:

Oops. I wasn't paying attention. Tell me again what is going on.

[Keeyth]

Sarge's little helper is right, that could have been structured a little better for easier reading. Also, that joke has been around a million years, and always with different radio station, so I wonder if it ever really happened at all.

[Matt White]

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"