Joke thread

[nickbfresh]

HAHAHAHAHHA Biggest joke of all on here is Nickdfresh

[Nickdfresh]

Originally posted by nickbfresh
HAHAHAHAHHA Biggest joke of all on here is Nickdfresh

ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZ ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz

[Anonymous]

A man heard his blonde girlfriend screaming at a soda machine: "You dumb button!" "You're ugly!" "You have no future!" "You'll be replaced by a better-looking button!" He ran over to her and asked, "What are you doing?" She pointed to a sign on the front of the machine: "Depress Button For Ice."

Socrates (469 - 399 BC) was widely lauded in ancient Greece for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait," replied Socrates. "Before you continue, I want you to ask yourself this: does what I am about to say pass the Triple Test?" "The triple test?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, ask yourself this: Are you absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is the Truth?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard it myself and..." "All right," said Socrates, "so you don't really know if it's true or not. Now ask yourself this: Is what you are about to tell me something Good?" "No, on the contrary..." began his friend. "So, you want to say something bad even though you're not sure it's true?" The embarrassed man shrugged. "Yeah, I guess so.." Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is the third test: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you were going to tell me going to be Useful to me?" "Well, I guess not.. Not really." "Well, then" concluded Socrates, "if what you want to say is neither True, nor Good, nor Useful, why tell me at all?" The man walked away, defeated and shamed. And this is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in high esteem. And it also explains why Socrates never knew that Plato was banging Mrs. Socrates!

Cheers! :bottle:

[Jurak]

THREE WOMEN - ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE

AND A NEWFY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A JACUZZI..




SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.


THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.


"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER

THE SKIN OF MY ARM." ..


A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.


THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE


FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."


THE NEWFY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE; SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHINGJUST AS IMPRESSIVE.


SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE JACUZZI AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND.


THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE NEWFY WOMAN FINALLY SAID,


"LORD THUNDERIN' JESUS, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT!

I'M GETTIN' A FAX!"

[Matt White]

Love, Lust and Marriage
Love, Lust and Marriage

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.

Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over w ho gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.

Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.

Love- W hen your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.

Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.

Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.

Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed

[Matt White]

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.


A Cha-cha cha!!!

[Matt White]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" To that she replies "Well, come here and I'll warm them between my legs." He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

[Matt White]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."
What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[Bob_R]

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time!

[Bob_R]

From time to time I speak with pharmaceutical sales reps who use our library. The other day, a Glaxo rep told me of a drug that her company has under development. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to everyone they consider buying stock in the company.

It combines the memory enhancing properties of the gingko root plus the, well, "uplifting" ability of Viagra. It's called "Gingko Viagra" and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you're doing.

[Bob_R]

The Bathtub

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
this should help get you started

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what
the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug."

Do you want a room with or without a view?

[Hardrock69]

Superman Limerick:


Miss Lane went to visit in Trent
Got lonely so (so the article went)
They found her quite dead
With a hole in her head
It seems she went down on Clark Kent

[MERRYKISSMASS2U]

A jock and a geek applying for the same job.

The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."

So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."

The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"

"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.

[Cathedral]

One day, a man goes to a library looking for a book and he says to the librarian, "Hello, can you help me find a book on suicide?"

He is totally shocked by the answer when she says to him, "Fuck You, You won't bring it back"

[MERRYKISSMASS2U]

Originally posted by Cathedral
One day, a man goes to a library looking for a book and he says to the librarian, "Hello, can you help me find a book on suicide?"

He is totally shocked by the answer when she says to him, "Fuck You, You won't bring it back"

BWHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!


One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding when Lone Ranger jad to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs over to Tonto and says, "Tonto I've been bitten by a snake on my penis go to town and ask the doctor what to do."

So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Lone Ranger has been bit by a snake what do I do?"

The doctor looks at Tonto and says, "You take a knife and make an x on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venim."

Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger and Lone Ranger asks "What did the doctor say?"

Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says "Doctor say you gonna die!"