Joke thread

[Bob_R]

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a
river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other
side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down
the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other
side."

[Bob_R]

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one
day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the
first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.! "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

[Anonymous]

A rabbi walked into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender said, "Hey, where'd you get that?" And the frog said, "Brooklyn! They're all over the place!"

When Ruth's husband died, they only had $20,000 to their name. At the cemetery, Ruth mentioned to a dear friend that she was now penniless. Her friend asked, "How can that be?" "Well, you see, the funeral cost $6,500. And I made a $500 donation to the church. Plus I spent another $1,000 for the wake, food, drinks, you know. The rest went for his memorial stone." Her shocked friend replied, "Twelve grand for a memorial stone? God, Ruth, how big is it?" Ruth grinned. "Three carats!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Bob_R]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said:
- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.
- Did you dance much?
- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

[Keeyth]

LOL!!

[Anonymous]

Once, when British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli was addressing the House of Lords, a member interrupted him and shouted, "You, sir, are either mad or diseased!" Disraeli stared him down and calmly replied, "That depends, sir, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress!"

A Texas rancher and his wife bickered their way through France as if they were back home in the Panhandle. They were scarcely speaking by the time they arrived for their dinner reservations at a fancy French restaurant. When the waiter asked for their order, the rancher said, "I'll have a big, thick, porterhouse steak." The waiter looked surprised. "Monsieur? What about ze mad cow?" The rancher replied, "Oh, she'll just have the salad!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Man, Disraeli was a genious!

[Bob_R]

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He
doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he
writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later
he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right
as a pirate.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and
he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your
wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company and another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over
your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel
apple.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co

[Anonymous]

Paul had an important meeting, but just could not find a place to park. Finally, he resorted to prayer. "Lord, have mercy. If you find me a parking space, I'll go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life. I'll even give up drinking!" Miraculously, a car pulled out, right in front of him. Paul looked up and said, "Never mind. I found one."

Dear Continental Airlines, American Airlines, Southwest Airlines, Delta Airlines, United Airlines, et al: Here's my solution to prevent hijackings while getting our airline industry back on its feet. 1. Replace all female flight attendants with good looking strippers. What the hell? Most of your attendants have grown old anyway. Since they don't serve food anymore, no one would miss them. 2. Strippers create a party atmosphere and would triple alcohol consumption and your profits. 3. Terrorists would be afraid to fly for fear of seeing naked women. 4. Every heterosexual businessman would fly lots more, further increasing your business. Think of the results: record revenues and no more hijackings. Signed, Bill Clinton.

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

He tried to be a loving husband, so he softly told her, "Your breasts are so beautiful that I want to take a photograph of them so I can frame it." She replied, "Yeah? Well, I want to take a photograph of your penis so I can enlarge it!"

Here's proof that not only blonde women are... well, mentally challenged.

The blond father was in the delivery room for his wife's first birth. She gave birth to perfect little twin boys.. He turned to his wife and said, "All right! Who's the other father?!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Matt White]

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends."
Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say Father, please."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I will not! name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed, Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

[Matt White]

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a storming row and began wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police got called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appeared in court. The fight continued in the court room until the Judge finally brought calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court!"

The court room went silent and Paddy (the best man) stood up and said, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agreed and asked Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy began his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

"Well", continued Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leaped over the table, ran towards us, and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded: "God.. that must have hurt!"

Paddy replied, "HURT ?? It broke 3 of my fingers!!!"


A Cha-cha cha!!!

[Matt White]

Morris an 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better," he replies. "I've got a twenty two year old bride who's pregnant with my child! . . .What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some bush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle...

*BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"EXACTLY!"

[Matt White]

One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring then said, "Isn't having nine babies a little much?"

"Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air."

"Yes," said the priest, "your legs!"

[Matt White]

A well-dressed man approached a voluptuously beautiful young woman on the street and said, "Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"

"For a MILLION dollars?!" she replied, more than a little stunned, "Of course I would!"

"Well, would you sleep with me for twenty five dollars?"

"Twenty five dollars? Don't be ridiculous! What kind of girl do you take me for, anyway?"

"We've already established what kind of girl you are; now we're just haggling over price."


"HIT MY MUSIC!!!"