Joke thread

[Matt White]

Farmer Brown and his wife were working in the field one day about dusk. As they were heading back to the house they saw a bunch of strange lights way out in the field. Upon ariving Farmer Brown and his wife saw a spaceship landing. They were approached by two aliens. The aliens said they were researching human sex life and wanted to know if they could partner switch. After talking it over Farmer Brown and his wife agreed. The next morning the aliens left.

Farmer Brown was dying to ask his wife what happened. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore and broke down and asked her. Well what happened?

She replied, It was the best sex I ever had!

Why? asked Farmer Brown.

Well when he took off his pants it wasn'r but an inch long and as big around as my pinky, but then he reached up and turned his left ear and it grew as to 16 inches, then he turned his right ear and it got as big around as a sausage.

Farmer Brown said, Well shit, no wonder that bitch was trying to rip my ears off!!

[Matt White]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!


You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??


Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead


MEN'S ENGLISH:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!


You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?


I love you = Let's have sex now

I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!


Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay

[Matt White]

Q: Why do women fake orgasms?

A: They think we care.

[Matt White]

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."

The second said, "Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

[Matt White]

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."

The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".

[Matt White]

Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks
=-=-=-=-=-

10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."

9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.

8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and
puts it down with a hushed, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later."

7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.

6. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."

5. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's
giving it.

4. When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you."

3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.

2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.

And the Number One Sign Your Relationship Is On The Rocks...

1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.

[Ozzy Fudd]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy
replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you
would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.

[Matt White]

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change.

[Matt White]

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name’s Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you’d like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ’em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More ’n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too."

"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that’s not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I’ve been alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

[Matt White]

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their
honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in, and the
receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite.

The whole evening the people in the next room are phoning down
to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't
stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6 am, the groom phones down to room service.

"Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.

The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last
night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of
toast and 6 liters of orange juice!"

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there.
Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for
my wife as well?"

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"

The groom replies, "I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit as
well!"


OI VAY!!!

[Matt White]

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.

"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"

"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"

"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."

[Matt White]

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, "Those hives are pretty close to the road." The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung
anyone.

The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn't stung then he would pay the farmer double the price. The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the
tree.

The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale. "Oh no," the farmer thought, "he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!"

As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.

"No, no, I'm okay I guess," gasped the naked man. "I have no choice, do I? I'll pay you double for the farm... but doesn't that calf have a mother?"

[Matt White]

A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarrettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it.

The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here."

The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that i buy them here but can't smoke them here?"

And the cashier replies, "Not at all...we also sell condoms here."

[Matt White]

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."

"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't wan to have to come back."

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."

"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."

Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.

"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."

"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.

"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.

"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"



A Cha-cha cha!!!

[Matt White]

What Color Panties do you have on?

Rocky, a mafia wise-guy, just had gotten paid a plentiful sum of money. He decided to improve his image and have a swell night-out impressing the ladies. So he went and purchased a custom tailored Armani suite, a Forzieri shirt, and a pair of $500 Gucci shoes. After being well suited for his night on the town, he started out at his favorite night club; where he new the ladies were hot and wanting. The atmosphere of the club was upbeat, discrete and sensual.



Rocky saw a familiar girl that he approached, and asked, “Hey Andria, you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Andria, you have on a pair of pink panties?” She said, “Why yes Rocky, how did you know?” He said “Well I could see them in the reflection of my shoe.” She said, “Rocky that is unlike a gentleman to say such a thing”; slapping him and walking off the dance floor.

He didn’t give it a second thought and proceeded to his next prospect, a girl he once met at a party; he approached her saying, “Hey Rosalia, you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Rosalia, you have on a pair of blue panties?” She said, “Why yes Rocky, how did you know?” He said “Well I could see them in the reflection of my shoe.” She said, Rocky, you are such a pig”, slapping him and walking off the dance floor.

Still determined to get laid while having a good time, but less assured by is new image, he approached another girl who had a promiscuous reputation. He said, “Hey Delanna you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Delanna, what color panties are you wearing?” She said, “I’m not wearing any panties Rocky”. He said, “Well that’s good Delanna”. She said, “Ohhhh Rocky, why do you ask?” He said, “There for a moment I thought I had a scratch on my new shoes.”


EXactly, exactly