Joke thread

[Jurak]

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.



5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

[Matt White]

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"

[Matt White]

Top bumper stickers seen around the world
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.

Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

Thank You For Pot Smoking.

To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

The Earth Is Full - Go Home

I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Illiterate? Write For Help

Honk If Anything Falls Off

Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

Guys: No Shirt, No Service! Gals: No Shirt, No Charge!

Boldly Going Nowhere

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!

Don't Be Sexist - Birds Hate That

Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

Grow your own dope --- Plant a man.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

[franksters]

Here is the ultimate proof of global warming!

[blonddgirl777]

Originally posted by franksters
Here is the ultimate proof of global warming!

L.O.L...
How can you be against it?

[Keeyth]

Who said we were???

Take it off!! Take it ALL off!!!

[Katydid]

lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She
noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She
immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile
turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed
more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man
arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man
what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but
notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming,' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had
to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant
sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,'
and I could hardly contain myself. But, your Honor,
when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this
Accident,' I just lost it."

[Jurak]

A blind man enters a bar. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb 'blonde' joke?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professionalwrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and I have a very bad attitude.

Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, then shakes his head and says:
"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Matt White]

There was a couple who was about to get married. Before the wedding, they had a tragic accident and both died. As they were standing at the gates of heaven talking to St. Peter they explained their plight and asked could they get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "Wait here," and left.
He was gone for several months then finally returned.
The couple said, "We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married. Just in case things don't work out, is it possible that we can get a divorce?"
St. Peter looked them sternly in the eye then said, "Listen! It took me three months to find a preacher up here, do you know how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"

[franksters]

hilarious!

http://www.laserp.com/fun_stuff/star_schmucks.htm

[Bob_R]

Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Swen. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He
tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,
but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the
banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A
whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially
painful.

Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.He then hid the now
almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
and Lena staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again
last night weren't you Ole?" Ole said, "Why you say such a mean ting?"
"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly......it's
all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror."

[Bob_R]

BAPTIST COWGIRL

A cowgirl, who moved to Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a
sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a
time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is
in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in
Arkansas, we promised that we would drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I am drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, she orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day she comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains.
"It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to
quit drinking.

Hasn't affected my sisters, though."

[Bob_R]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing
with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop
and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell
off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who
are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the
tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his tra in. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All
passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a
pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her
little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there
is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For
those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the
bitch in the kitchen."

[Bob_R]

A guy responds to a job position at the city zoo. The ad mentioned the
salary but not what he would be doing. Come to find out that the zoo's
gorilla had unexpectedly passed away. The zoo had just spent millions on promotions which focused on the gorilla and now they needed a gorilla. The guy really needed the job and the money was good so he accepted.

Everyday he would put on the gorilla suit, hang out in his cage and be
the gorilla. After a while he started enjoying himself. He would scare
little kids, roar at the crowds, and eat bananas and stuff. You know,
gorilla things. As time wore on he became the main attraction at the
zoo. He would swing on his trees and vines, and the people loved him.
One particularly busy Saturday he was swinging around and accidentally
swings over his fence and lands in the lions cage. The lion slowly opens
his eyes and sees the gorilla. The lion begins to stalk. The lion, now
drooling and wide awake, slowly approaches the gorilla who is backed up against the fence. The lion is ready to jump, then the gorilla started
yelling, "Help! Help! I'm not a gorilla. I'm a man! help, help !!"

Then the lion said, " Shut-up stupid, or we'll both get fired! "

[Bob_R]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say
the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abou ta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'."