Joke thread

[RuzDNailz]

How do you confuse a Newfie in a circular room? Tell him to go take
a piss in the corner! How does he confuse you? Tells you he did!

[Douglas T.]

Chris Rock's Quote of the Year

"You know the world is going crazy when the best
rapper is a white guy, the
best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the
NBA is Chinese, the Swiss
hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S.
of arrogance, Germany
doesn't want to go to war, and the three most
powerful men in America
are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.

Need I say more?"

[Keeyth]

That was a quote from 2-3 years ago, not this year. But still a great quote.

[Keeyth]

Horny Husband

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the
bedroom.

He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.

Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to
make love to her.

Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to
find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and
complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this
happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and
I wasn't about to start now!"

[Bob_R]

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and
spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

[diamondsgirl]

Here's a good one.

Once there was a man named Mr.Fanatic and his PM box was so full

(how full was it?!!!!)

so full that no one could send him PMs


get it?


LOL

[Bob_R]

Originally posted by diamondsgirl
Here's a good one.

Once there was a man named Mr.Fanatic and his PM box was so full

(how full was it?!!!!)

so full that no one could send him PMs


get it?


LOL

LOL!

Check your PM's sweetie.

[Seshmeister]

This man pulls up in his Merc beside a little boy.

He opens the door, holds out a brown paper bag of sweets and says, "Hey kid, if I give you a sweetie, will you come in my car."

To which the kid replies, "Gimme the bag and I'll come in your mouth!"

[Seshmeister]

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".

[Bob_R]

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and 10 hens he kept
in the hen house behind the church.
But one Saturday night,the cock went missing!
The priest knew that cockfights happened in the village, so he started
to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no!" he exclaimed. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a
cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no!" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock
that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no!" he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests, and a goat stood up.

[Matt White]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch!

[RuzDNailz]

Paki boards a bus carrying a bucket of shit. Just before he pays the
fare, the bus driver says 'that'll be 2 dollars for you and 50 cents for your friend in the bucket!'.

[RuzDNailz]

An unhappy couple approach a wishing well and the husband throws in a penny and makes a wish. Nothing. Just shrugs his shoulders and walks away. The wife walks up and winds up tripping over her head and drowns in the water. The husband with astonishment on his face
says 'Oh, shit! it worked!'.

[Bob_R]

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."


The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.


The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."


"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"


The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.


The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"


The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo. I've got Windoooooows!"

[Coyote]

When Pedro and Maria got married, he was a very experienced man, but she was totally naïve. On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria said, "Pedro! What is that?" Pedro was a quick thinker. "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these." And then he proudly showed her what it was for. Maria was happy. When Pedro returned to work, he returned home to find an upset Maria waiting on their front porch. "Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!" Ever fast on his feet, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two, I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one." A skeptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home the next day, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch. "Maria? Now what's wrong?" "Dammit, Pedro. You gave the best one to Gonzalez!"