Joke thread

[naturochem]

A mexican walks into a bar and says, "Hey, ******, give me a drink." The bartender says, "I'll give you a drink, but I would appreciate it if you wouldn't refer to me as a "******." "Oh man!, I am sure sorry about that bro'. Won't happen again." A few minutes later the spic says, "Hey moon crickett, another round." The bartender says,"Hey, look, I really don't want you calling me "moon crickett" either." The spic says,"sorry bootlips, I didn't mean anything by it." The bartender says, "OK that's it! How would you like it if you were the bartender and I came in here calling you names?" "I don't know, let's find out." So the spic puts on an apron and goes behind the bar and the bartender walks outside and comes back in and shouts, "Hey wetback! I want a fucking drink!" The spic stops washing glasses and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, we don't serve ******s in here."

[Jano]

How do you know when you're at a homo picnic?






When the hot dogs taste like shit!!!!

[Jano]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?






Christopher Walken!!!!

[naturochem]

What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
.
.
.
.
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A. One's a bunch a cunning runts.

[SparkieD]

On a recent trip to Hertforshire, a man went to the village of Herbum near Tillet town. While in the local pub, The Cockwell Inn, he met the land lady Lucy Lykes.

They struck up a friendship and he's now started writing to her. Her address is...

Lucy Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Herbum
Tillet
Herts.

[Keeyth]

Um, where did the word 'Herts' come from?

[Anonymous]

Hertforshire.

An abbreviation.

Gawd, explaining jokes sucks.

Cheers! :bottle:

[SparkieD]

Originally posted by Keeyth
Um, where did the word 'Herts' come from?

Uh, short for Hertfordshire, right there in the first line.

[Keeyth]

Got it. Sorry.

[Jurak]

Lucy Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Herbum
Tillet
Herts.

[Jurak]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

(Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour).

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny . (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget .......

[Jurak]

pen is stuck...

[Jurak]

Always Focus on your goals!!

[Jurak]

New toy for Christmas-sacre...

[Jurak]