Joke thread

[Keeyth]

A couple was dressed and ready to go out into the city for the evening.
They
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone
line,
covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned
the
local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple
opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out
into
the yard scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to
eat
the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside
to get
the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house
will
be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her
husband
will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my
Mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long,"
he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.
Had to
poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take
off so
I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep
her
from scratching me but it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and
threw
her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car......

[Ozzy Fudd]

-------Another Blond Joke!!


You missing a 710?,

Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer.
A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.


They all looked at each other, and the Mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one.

It had always been there."


The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Click here to learn the identity of the mysterious 710:

https://www.mademelaugh.com/gfx/710.jpg

[Northern Girl]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small

tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is

that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"


The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands onthe

sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.

Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"


The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is

neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however,

the bestpiece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[Matt White]

NGK NGK NGK

[Bob_R]

How many of us have threatened to retire and become a Walmart greeter?
Wish I could think this fast!



The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her
two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart .... Nice
children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't,
the
oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you
think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

[Bob_R]

The Pastors Ass


The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day

[Matt White]

37 Rude & Crude Pick-up Lines


1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.


2. Nice legs...what time do they open?


3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.


4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?


5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?


6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?


8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.


9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.


10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.


11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.


12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.


13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?


14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.


15. Are those real?


16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.


17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.


18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.


19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.


20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.


21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

2
2. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?


23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.


24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.


25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?


26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.


27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.


28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.


29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.


30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?


31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.


32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?


33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.


34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???


35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.


36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.


37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

[Sarge's Little Helper]

37 Rude & Crude Pick-up Lines


1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.


2. Nice legs...what time do they open?


3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.


4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?


5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?


6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?


8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.


9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.


10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.


11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.


12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.


13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?


14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.


15. Are those real?


16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.


17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.


18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.


19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.


20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.


21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

2
2. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?


23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.


24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.


25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?


26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.


27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.


28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.


29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.


30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?


31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.


32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?


33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.


34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???


35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.


36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.


37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

Oops. I wasn't paying attention. Tell me again what is going on.

[Bob_R]

3 Nuns
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you
all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to
go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just
doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!

[Bob_R]

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"



DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

[rustoffa]

I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably
shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd
lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

[Bob_R]

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen McNuggets. "We don't have half dozen McNuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen McNuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said, "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine. The mother says, "I just gave him some ant killer..!"
Dispatcher: "Rush him in to emergency!!"

[Bob_R]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

____________________________________________

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back.
"I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

____________________________________________


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage
and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of
my intelligence come from?
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your
mother, cause I still have mine"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

[ace diamond]

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PINK AND PURPLE?


THE GRIP!

[Bob_R]

Catholic School

Little Grace was not the best student in parochial school.
She usually slept through her classes.

One day the Nun called on her while she was napping and
asked, "Tell me, Grace, who created the universe?"

When Grace didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair
behind her, took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Grace, and the Nun said,
"Very good." Soon Grace fell back asleep.

A while later the Nun called on Grace and asked, "Who is
our Lord and Savior?" But Grace didn't even stir from her
slumber. Once again, Little Johnny came to the rescue and
stuck her with his pencil.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Grace.

"Very good" The Nun said.
Grace started to fall back asleep, when the Nun asked Grace
a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
This time Grace was just awake enough to hear the question - and
she knew what was coming, so she jumped up and shouted, "If you
stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Nun fainted.