Joke thread

[jslav06]

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[Loons The Great]

Monster in a village
Out far away in the himalayas there was a small village that was constantly terrified by this terrible monster named the medecrin.

The medicrin would come down to the village once a week and eat one of the villagers. Now, as you would guess, the population of the village decreased greatly after a few months of this, so, the chief of the village called forth the greatest hunter he could get and told him to hunt down and kill the medicrin.

So, after much talk, the hunter finally agreed to kill the medicrine. But the hunter, being smart, decided he would have to trap the monster to kill it, figuring he would get eaten if he faced it head on.

So he looked in his himalayan monster field book and found out that medicrins like sugar, so he ordered all the villagers to dig a deep hole and fill it with all the sugar in the village.

Later that week, the medicrine came down to the village. When it went after it`s usual meal, it saw the pit of sugar, looked at it a moment, and then went after another villager.

After the medicrin left, the chief called up the great hunter, and scolded the hunter for failing, but the hunter convinced the chief to give him another chance, and the chief agreed.

The next day, the hunter looked back to his himalayan monster field book and found that medicrins like loons even more than sugar.

So the great hunter went out, caught a loon, and placed it in the pit with the sugar. Now, it turns out that loons like sugar even more than medicrins, so the loon ate up all the sugar. So, a few days later the medicrine returned on time for it`s villager feast.

But, as it was heading for the village, the medicrin saw the pit with the loon. The medicrin imediatly became hungry for loon, so it climbed down into the pit and at the loon. But, as soon as it finished the loon off, it fell over, deader than a doornail.

The moral of the story? A loon full of sugar helps the medecrin go down.

[sadaist]

The Moral of the Story is...
>
> A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to get their
> parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
>
> The next day the kids came back, and one by one began to tell
> their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a
> lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to
> market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a
> bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
> a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
>
> "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
>
> "Very good," said the teacher.
>
> Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are
> farmers, too, but we raise chickens for the meat market. We had
> a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten
> live chicks. So the moral to this story is, don't count your
> chickens until they're hatched."
>
> "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to
> share?"
>
> "Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge.
> She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got
> hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had
> was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete.
>
> So she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break.
> She then landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
> She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of
> bullets, then she killed 20 more with the machete until the blade
> broke. She killed the last 10 with her bare hands."
>
> "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral
> did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
>

>
> "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."

[SparkieD]

Forgive me if it's already here somewhere.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.

[Antman]

What does 80 year old pussy taste like?

Depends.

[Antman]

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Fuck her

[Anonymous]

Two nuns slipped out of the convent for a night on the town. They hit the clubs until closing, but to enter the convent grounds they had to crawl under a chain link fence. Crawling on their bellies, one was drunk enough to pretend it was barbed wire. "Doesn't make you feel like a marine?" she asked. The other grunted, "Sure, but where are we gonna find one at this hour?"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

A man went on a business trip and left his cat in his brother's care. Three days later, he called his brother. "How's my cat?" "She's dead." "What? She's dead?! What do you mean 'She's dead!'? I loved that cat. I wish you would have broken the news to me more gently. Why not tell me that she got out and was up on the roof and you're having trouble getting her down? Then the next time I call, you could have said the Fire Department was there. And the next time that they scared her off the roof and she was hurt when she hit the ground. And then, later, when I was prepared, you could say that she died. Damn, you are so crude." His brother apologized sincerely, "I'm sorry. You're right. I was insensitive." "Oh, it's all right. Forget it. Let's change the subject. How's Mom doing?" "She's up on the roof and..."

"Late again?" Miss Crabtree scolded Little Johnny. "It ain't my fault," said Little Johnny. "This is my Daddy's fault. I'm three hours late cause Daddy sleeps naked!" Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for over thirty years but had never heard that one before. "Exactly what does that mean, Johnny?" "Well, Miss Crabtree, a coyote's been hangin' round the ranch lately. He's killed six hens and Ma's best goat. So last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and told Ma, 'That coyote's back again. I'm a'gonna git 'im!'" He told us kids to stay inside and he ran out naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt, no nuttin'! He crawled out to the hen house, stuck his shotgun through the window of the chicken coop. As he tried to see into the dark coop, our hound dog came sneakin' up behind him and stuck his cold nose right up Daddy's behind! Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!'"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

A gorgeous young schoolteacher ran a red light and got caught by a ticket camera. She went to the traffic court judge's chambers to request special attention since she was supposed to be teaching her class. The judge looked over her beautiful body and said, "You know, I've always had a fantasy about schoolteachers." Her ticket, her fine, her increased insurance rates flashed through her mind. As she sat on the edge of his desk, she said, "Why, judge. Is there anything I can do about it?" The judge grinned. "You sure can. Sit down at that table over there and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times!"

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwing you once you're dead!

Cheers! :bottle:

[Little Lamont]

Sammy Hagar walks into a doctor's office one day with a frog on his head.

The doctor say, "What's wrong with you?"

The frog say, "I don't know but it started with a bump on my ass."

[Douglas T.]

A woman walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist she needed some
cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give you
cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license;
they'll throw us in jail...bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT
have any cyanide!"

She reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed...

with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't
tell me you had a prescription."

[Anonymous]

Smart man + smart woman = romance. Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy. Dumb man + smart woman = affair. Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage.

The shop teacher was surprised on the first day of school to find a girl in his class, and a hot young blonde at that. "Are you sure you're in the right class?" he asked. Judy assured him that she was. "I'm afraid this course may be out of your league. Do you have any experience with tools?" "Like what?" asked Judy. "Well, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" he asked. Judy thought a moment and then replied, "I can't rightly say -- because I've never been bolted!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

A blonde and a brunette were in the break room, discussing last night's company Christmas party. "Did you get laid?" asked the brunette. "Twice!" exclaimed the blonde. "Only twice?" said the brunette, skeptically. "Yeah," explained the blonde. "Once by the accounting department and once by the band!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

A fortune-telling midget escaped from prison. The next morning, the headlines read, "Small Medium at Large!"

Two blondes were walking along the beach with their friend, a brunette, when a seagull pooped on one blonde. "I'll go get some toilet paper" said the brunette, scurrying off. One blonde said to the other, "Dummy brunette! By the time she gets back, that seagull will be long gone!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Ozzy Fudd]

Why men wear ear rings

A man is at work one day when he notices
that his co-worker is wearing an earring,
The man knows his co-worker to be a
normally conservative fellow,
and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense...


The man walks up to him and says,
"I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only
an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes,
but then his curiosity prods him to ask,

"So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."


(I always wondered how this trend got started)