Joke thread

[PumpedUpMidget]

Don't know how many of you shop at Wal-Mart, but this may be useful.

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me,
as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This
happened to me at Wal-Mart in Middle Island and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good looking 18 year old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank
them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride
to Wal-Mart In Centereach. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the
way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over
into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one
steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again
on Saturday, also yesterday and it will probably happen again tonight.

[Jurak]

:D yep, it's happenin up here in Canada too...

[Bob_R]

Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for THEMSELVES.
Helllooooo? It's been a year!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He didn't call back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.

[Bob_R]

Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call
for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if
you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna
and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me."

The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way
with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you
can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't
had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once
a month. I fart 15 times a day."

[Bob_R]

FIRST THINGS FIRST!!!!
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay." He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Tampa?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.....then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

[Guitar Shark]

Married Chinese couple are in bed together.

Husband says "Honey, I wanna 69."

Wife says "Why you want beef with broccoli NOW?"

[Bob_R]

Grandma's - Always faithful.....

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent
interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a
Metro station in DC:

"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets
on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.

"An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a
young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

"The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a
gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't
you care about the children of Iraq?'

"The old woman looked up at her and said, ' Honey, my father died
in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam.

All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad
mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."

God Bless America

[frets5150]

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding.

He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.

The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"

"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet, " replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment, " said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car.

The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher.

"Uh... yes." replied the cop.

"Here's what you do, " said the dispatcher. "give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"What? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......":D

[Bob_R]

Florida Drinking Rule

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls
out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our
glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He
says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to
drink out of the same glass twice either.

The Florida guy, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it,
throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun and shoots the Mexican
and the Iraqi, and catches her glass. She says, "In America we have so
many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the
same ones twice.

God Bless America!

[Bob_R]

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now,
tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

[Hardrock69]

I just got this from my Aunt in Cali. Usually she sends emails that say there is an attachment and there is none, or she fwds something (supposedly) and there is nothing there...but today was funny:

When going to get his driver's license renewed at the local motor-vehicle bureau, a man was not surprised to find that the building was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until he finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

"The clerk looked at his picture closely.

"It's okay," he reassured the man. "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

[Bob_R]

Subject: Italian Bread


Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench seat one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops in at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help. He said, "do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "yes, I want 5 loaves."

She said, "my goodness, 5 loaves. Don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

He replied, "Holy crow, everybody in the world knows about this Italian
bread thing but me!!"

[Bob_R]

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush face a firing squad in a small Central American country.

Bill Clinton is the first one placed against the wall and just before the order to shoot him is given, he yells, "Earthquake!" The firing squad falls into a panic and Bill jumps over the wall and escapes in the
confusion.

Al Gore is the second one placed against the wall. The squad is reassembled and Al ponders what his old boss has done. Before the order to shoot is given, Al yells, "Tsunami!" Again the squad falls apart and Al slips over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall. He is thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall." As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles raised in his direction, he grins and yells, "Fire!"

[Bob_R]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."

All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they
ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time
to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes
arunnin.'

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just
yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had,
namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to
come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."

[Bob_R]

Hillbilly Vasectomy


After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't wa nt to hav e
any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure
called vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10"

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool
in the shed but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count...


"1"


"2"


"3"


"4"


"5"


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Texas,
Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia, Washington DC, and LOUISIANA.